


New Beginnings

by darklight_tr



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-12-03
Packaged: 2018-04-05 12:03:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4179144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darklight_tr/pseuds/darklight_tr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post ME3 where M!Shep lives.</p><p>Joker is trying to move on with his life after the events of ME3, isolating himself in the process.</p><p>He realizes that he can't do it by himself and forces himself to try to reconnect with Colton Shepard - his best friend that he'd spent months ignoring.  In the process they both discover that there may be more between them than just their friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ignorance

**Author's Note:**

> I've tagged it for future, but I wanted to note that won't be any "action" for a while. I want this story to be a slow build.
> 
> Update 12/03/15 - Chapter 4 (finally) posted.  
> Update 03/02/17 - Still working on this but obviously haven't been able to put in the time like I expected. I'm finally getting the opportunity to start working on this again. Sorry for all the delays and thanks for being patient. I will finish this! :)  
> Update 05/23/17 - Sorry this continues to take so long - I lost my only copy of Chapter 5 (backup fail) and am rewriting it. I'm about 50% done. :(

As he pressed himself back in the seat, Joker was thrilled, even though he didn't show it on the outside. It was great to finally be in a pilots chair again - it had been far too long. Manipulating the console in front of him, Joker eased the ship away from the station that they had just undocked from. “Course, Commander?”

 

“Head for the Mass Relay. Once we get there we'll jump to the Hades Gamma cluster.”

 

He couldn't see the Commander, but Joker knew from the tone of his voice that he was tense. Joker plotted and engaged the course to the relay. “Course laid in and engaged. ETA 15 minutes.”

 

Joker felt the drive core spin up, engines pushing them in the direction of the relay. He passed the time monitoring the readouts on his console and ensuring they stayed on course, which didn't take much effort given his piloting skill. He was tempted to turn his chair around, to look at the Commander and gauge his reaction to the mission they were embarking upon, but resisted the urge. Joker didn't want his unease about the whole situation known.

 

Suddenly his console alerted him to an energy spike at the Mass Relay. Looking at the readouts Joker's eyes widened. “Commander, two Batarian cruisers and several frigates just jumped through the Mass Relay.”

 

Joker felt the presence of the Commander over his shoulder. “What are the Batarians doing way out here?”

 

“Hell if I know.” Joker replied, “How about you ask nicely...SHIT! They're powering weapons!”

 

“Joker, take evasive action. Get us to the relay NOW. Tactical, bring the guns to bear and get our barriers up!” Whatever Joker had seen in the Commander before, he certainly wasn't showing it now. The Commander was firmly in control, he had to be for all of them.

 

Joker steered the ship away from the Batarian fleet as they fired their initial shots. He kept his eyes on the console in front of him, trying to ensure they didn't get blown to bits by the opening salvo. The ship shifted constantly under his guidance, deck creaking and engines whining as he tried to make them a difficult target.

 

As they closed on the relay, the shots from the enemy fleet kept getting closer despite his fancy maneuvering. “Sanders, I could use a little help here!”

 

“I know, Joker, I know. Just a bit more–locked on one of the frigates–firing!” She slammed her hand on the panel for emphasis and Joker heard the main guns firing. “Direct hit! Their barriers are down.”

 

Finally a bit of good news for Joker. “Thanks, Lieutenant.” He barely got the words out of his mouth before the ship shuddered from weapons impact. _Dammit_.

 

The Commander held on to Joker's chair to balance himself. “Report!”

 

“It was a glancing blow, thanks to Joker's piloting. Kinetic barriers holding.”

 

“Sanders, hit them with the main guns again. Joker, when the HELL are we getting to that relay!?!”

 

“I'm working on it, Commander,” Joker said through gritted teeth, “but these Batarian bastards aren't making it very easy.”

 

The main guns fired again, targeting the same cruiser as before. Without its barriers to protect it, the slugs tore straight through its hull. Multiple explosions could be seen as the ship disintegrated into a wreck of twisted and molten metal.

 

As the debris began to clear, Joker saw an opening. “Commander, the loss of that frigate cleared a hole in their lines.” he said, looking back at the Commander.

 

The Commander paused for a second, looked away at a nearby console, weighing his options. His eyes snapped back to Joker. “Punch us through.”

 

Joker grinned slightly and turned back to his console. “With pleasure.”

 

Joker directed the ship at the hole in the fleet, continuing to evade weapons fire as best he could. The ship shuddered with several more hits and Joker heard a console zap and sputter behind him. “We're losing the barriers on the starboard side, sir,” Sanders shouted over the noise of the battle, “and we've taken minor damage to several systems.”

 

Joker knew he needed to get them through the fleet and to the relay right now. _Just a few more seconds_ , he thought to himself.

 

They finally cleared the Batarian fleet, but not without the bastards scoring several more hits. Joker heard several explosions below decks, and the power fluctuated. He thought he even heard someone scream, but he wasn't sure. _I probably couldn't hear that over Sanders anyways._ “Starboard barriers down! We have a hull breach on deck 4, and several fires on decks 3 and 5.”

 

Despite the chaos around him, the Commander kept his cool. “Sanders, coordinate damage control.”

 

“Aye, sir.”

 

The link to the relay lit up on Jokers console as they closed in, and Joker entered the coordinates for their destination. Any moment now and the jump would be initiated. They would be home free.

 

Just as they were about to jump, the readings on Joker's console spiked again, this time much higher than they did before. “Commander, something is coming through–OH MY GOD.”

 

Joker froze. Staring at him through the cockpit windows was the stuff of his nightmares, something he thought he would never see again. A Reaper. A real, live, Reaper. His pulse quickened and he felt like the world was closing in on him. Time slowed to a crawl. He was panicking, he was sure of that. There just wasn't anything he could do about it. He heard shouting in the background, but couldn't make it out as he tried to remember to breathe. Are they shouting at him? Joker gasped as a blinding red light enveloped the ship. _This is the end, isn't it,_ he thought to himself, _I survive the whole war with these things only to still be brought down by one in the end. Figures._

 

The light faded away and Joker slowly began to realize that he wasn't dead. The console in front of him was devoid of life, and he couldn't figure out why. How did they survive? He was sure the shot from the Reaper had destroyed the ship. How are they still here? He looked around and realized that everyone was staring at him. The Commander took a step towards him. “Joker, are you alright?”

 

Joker stared at the Commander but didn't reply. Waves of nausea suddenly overcame him, and he struggled to his feet as best he could, ignoring the protests from his legs. He made it only a few hobbled steps before he collapsed to the deck and threw up all over the floor.

 

“Joker!” he heard from behind him. The Commander knelt next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to offer some comfort as Joker wiped his mouth with his forearm. “Its alright.”

 

Joker looked up at the Commander, who was smiling down at him. His embarrassment turned quickly to anger. “No, its not alright, and don't you fucking call me Joker anymore, you have no right. You don't know me.” his voice raising as he continued to speak, ”None of you know me. How in the hell could you do this to me! A fucking Reaper?”

 

The Commander frowned as Joker straightened his hat and started picking himself off the floor. “Mr. Moreau, that is not a proper way to address your comrades.”

 

That was enough to send Joker over the precarious edge that he was on. “That is complete BULLSHIT, because you were never were, never have been, and never will be my comrades! This was a giant fucking mistake, you've made me realize it now, I lost my comrades long ago. I am so done with this. You can take this assignment and shove it up your high and mighty ass!”

 

By this point several people who had been wandering by had stopped to watch the spectacle unfold, and Joker realized that he didn't want to deal with this situation anymore. Partially due to the fact that he didn't want to give them a chance to respond and also to try to recover some of his injured pride, he stormed out of the simulator.

 

A few of the onlookers were slow to respond to his swift exit – swift by his standards, at least – so Joker simply shoved them out of his path, only caring about getting the hell out of there. “What, is there a zombie posing contest that I didn't hear about? GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!”

 

Turning the corner, he slumped over to the floor just out of eyesight, struggling to get his breathing under control. No one had followed him, and he appreciated that small favor as he damn well didn't feel like trying to explain himself right now.

 

 _How the hell did I get here? What the hell am I doing?_ Memories came surging back, ones that he had spent months suppressing. _All because of that damn Reaper,_ he thought. Tears welled in his eyes, but he willed himself not to cry. He didn't do that anymore. He had spent too much time crying. His panic attack wasn't just due to memories of the war, what came flooding back reminded him of things he'd been avoiding. _People_ he'd been avoiding.

 

_Suck it up Joker, be a man and face this head on, as you've always done. You've been through a lot worse than this._

 

He'd been avoiding this for months and he just couldn't anymore. He forced himself to get up and headed out of the training facility into the city, deciding to walk since it wasn't too far and he wanted time to think. His slow, hobbled pace gave him that time – he just hoped that his legs wouldn't make him regret it later.

 

As he made his way, he couldn't stop thinking about what got him here. Maybe if he'd handled things differently...

 

X - X - X

 

Joker rushed into the hospital and moved as fast as he could to the reception desk. The news he'd heard couldn't be true, it just couldn't. He had to see for himself. “WHERE IS HE?!?” He cringed at the near panic in his voice.

 

The startled nurse looked up at him. “I'm sorry sir, but to whom are you referring?”

 

Joker bristled. “To _whom_ am I referring? Only the savior of the _whole damn galaxy_ , that's who!”

 

The nurse stared back in confusion. “Sir, that doesn't help...”

 

“Listen lady, I don't know who the hell you think you are, but if you don't let me see him _right now_ I'm going to take this brace off and shove it right up your...”

 

“LIEUTENANT MOREAU!”

 

Joker winced and turned toward the source of the voice. Upon seeing the uniformed man he immediately saluted. “Admiral Hackett, sir. I was just...”

 

“...making an extremely poor impression of Alliance military personnel.” the Admiral sternly said, “You will apologize immediately.”

 

Joker paused, swallowed, and turned to the nurse. “I'm very sorry, miss. I let my emotions cloud my judgment and I treated you unfairly.” _That still doesn't make her less of an idiot_ , he thought to himself.

 

The Admiral cleared his throat and Joker turned back towards him. “Much better, Lieutenant. Now, if you will follow me I can show you to where he is.” He nodded toward the nurse as Joker walked towards him. Both men headed down the hall toward the elevator.

 

Once the doors to the elevator had closed, Joker felt the need to apologize. He had a lot of respect for the Admiral – he had led humanity through much of the Reaper war. “I'm sorry sir, I didn't intend to erupt at that nurse, but when I heard the news...” his voice trailing off.

 

Hackett softened a bit. “I understand, Lieutenant, but we need to keep control over ourselves, especially as the rebuilding continues. You're setting an example, and we want to set the right one.”

 

“Understood, sir.”

 

The rest of the elevator ride was in silence, something Joker was thankful for. Once they had arrived, he followed the Admiral through the winding hallways, thinking it odd that there were so few people on this floor.

 

Noticing his confusion, Hackett offered, “Its for his security and protection. I didn't tell you earlier, but few people even know that he's alive, and we want to keep it that way for now.”

 

Joker's eyes widened a bit at that last part. _I'm one of the few that gets to see him._

 

They finally arrived at a secure door where they had to present their identification to the guard before they could proceed. Joker couldn't help the fact that he was beginning to feel anxious.

 

Once through the door they went down a short hallway. Near the end, the Admiral stopped and motioned to a window with his hand. Joker turned to look at what Hackett was pointing toward.

 

What he saw he wasn't prepared for at all. Lying on the bed was the body of a man he could barely recognize. He couldn't help the gasp that came out of his mouth. _Is this truly him?_

 

The body was almost completed covered in blood-soaked bandages, with numerous tubes going in and out. Arms, legs and head immobilized, likely to prevent further injury. Machines surrounded the bed, monitoring and assisting, keeping whatever was lying there alive. Joker squinted and could see the rise and fall of the chest. _Oh god, that can't be him. It just can't._

 

“That's...him?” Joker managed to croak.

 

Hackett placed a hand on his shoulder, recognizing Jokers obvious discomfort. “Lieutenant, I know what you see looks bad, but its a miracle he's alive. He's a true soldier, that's for sure. He refuses to give up.”

 

Joker swallowed. “It just doesn't look like...”

 

The hand squeezed. “It's him, son. Its Colton Shepard.”

 

Suddenly, Joker felt very dizzy.

 

“Lieutenant, are you alright? You don't look well.”

 

The dizziness continued to increase, and Joker felt his vision narrowing. “I don't know, sir. This just...”

 

“Lieutenant? Lieutenant!” is all Joker heard as he passed out.

 

X - X - X

 

_Ugh, my head feels like its going to explode._

 

Joker opened his eyes, immediately squinting due to the assault of the flashing lights they encountered. As his eyes adjusted, the piercing light softened and he was able to open them further, revealing a blinking fuzzy object in front of him. He instinctually brought his hands up to his eyes and rubbed, trying to force things to come into focus. He began to make out various parts of the object, realizing that it was a pilots console. The console was very familiar to him, he just couldn't figure out why.

 

Suddenly it dawned on him where he was. _Why did it take me so long to recognize something so familiar?_ He'd spent so much time on the Normandy SR-1 it should've been second nature to him.

 

Something was wrong with the console, most of the screens were covered with warnings. _Wait – why am I here?_

 

Joker was filled with horror as he suspected _when_ he was in addition to where. A quick look out the window at the planet that was visible confirmed it – Alchera.

 

“Joker, its time to go!”

 

 _No, it can't be._ Turning his head, Joker could make out the form of Colton Shepard in his spacesuit, looking down at him. Glancing just above the Commander, he could see the giant whole in the hull where minutes before there had been solid metal.

 

“But I can save her!” _Did I just say that?_

 

He could see the angry stare back at him – Shepard wasn't having any of it. “Its too late for that Joker, the Normandy is lost. We have to go NOW!”

 

“Just give me a chance!” Joker whined as Shepard walked over and put his arm around his upper body, pulling him from the seat. Joker resisted, struggling in Shepards grasp, but the other man was too strong. _Why do I care? I've been through this before, I know how it ends. Oh god._

 

As Joker was forced to his feet several explosions rocked the ship and both men struggled to stay standing.

 

Shepard looked over at Joker, who was physically fine but was obviously hurting over the ship. He tried a different tactic. “Jeff, if we don't go now we may not leave at all.”

 

Joker couldn't look at him. He knew he was right, he just didn't want to admit it. “Fine, fine. Let's go.”

 

He took one last look at the failing console and noticed one alarm readout in particular. “Shit! They're coming back around!”

 

They moved as fast as they could to the escape pod, Shepard helping Joker along to try to increase their pace.

 

Shepard slammed his hand on the console, opening the door, and pushed Joker inside. As he was being secured by his Commander, the seriousness of the situation finally hit him. “Commander – _Cole_ – hurry the hell up!”

 

“Now you're in a hurry?” Shepard grinned up at Joker. “Almost got it – there!” The final buckle was in place. _Now to get Shepard in here and off the doomed ship._

 

As Shepard moved to get in the pod, there was a massive explosion behind him, and the floor below him began to collapse. Joker lunged forward, reaching for Shepard's outstretched hand, but he was already too far away. _No god no! I can't go through this again…_

 

Time slowed as Joker and Shepard looked into each others eyes. Joker saw fear flash over Shepard's face, but it was quickly replaced with a look of determination. Shepard reached for the panel to launch the escape pod.

 

“No Shepard! Please! Don't!” The panic and fear in Joker's voice made Shepard flinch, but it didn't deter him.

 

Shepard's hand slammed into the panel, initiating the launch sequence. “I'm sorry, Jeff.”

 

As the door was closing, Joker watched in horror as Shepard fell into open space.

 

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! SHEPARD!!!!!!”

 

X - X - X

 

Joker's eyes fluttered open and he struggled to figure out where the hell he was. He's on the floor. _Great_. There were several nurses and a doctor hovering over him. _Perfect_. Oh, and there's Admiral Hackett. _Shit_.

 

He realized that the doctor was speaking to him. “Are you okay, Lieutenant? You gave us quite a scare there.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“You passed out, son.” Joker grimaced. He's not this guys son, and he hated being called that. He only allowed the Admiral to call him that because, well, he's the Admiral.

 

He did a quick mental check to see if he'd broken anything. While there was some pain where there wasn't any before, the levels were below where he knew that he'd broken something. _Damn these brittle bones._

 

Joker tried to get to his feet, but was held down. “I'm fine, dammit. Just let me up.” He knew he wasn't fine, but he wanted off this floor now. The staff knew the same, but didn't question him openly.

 

Hands released from where they were pinning him and he started to get up. Given his condition it was quite an exercise but he steadfastly refused the offered help. He was embarrassed that he had passed out and was too proud to accept help from anyone – that had always been his way. The Admiral wisely stood on the sidelines, watching things unfold.

 

Joker turned and looked back through the window at the mangled body of Shepard, one of his closest friends – _No_ – his best friend. A friend he thought he would never see again.

 

He thought back to the nightmare he had just relived moments ago, the first time that he thought Shepard was dead. It had nearly broken him. He'd never lost someone so close to him before, and didn't know how to deal with it. It took the offer from Miranda, and the discovery that Shepard was in fact alive, to bring him out of his depression.

 

That became his new normal – Shepard, the crew he recruited and their ship – the bigger, better and badder Normandy SR-2. Joker had hope again.

 

As they reached the climax of the Reaper war everyone on board knew that survival was unlikely if damn near impossible. So when Shepard activated the Crucible, ensuring the destruction of the Reapers as well as the very station he was on, Joker thought he had lost him again, and for good this time.

 

The rest of the crew nearly didn't make it out themselves, Joker taking the Normandy SR-2 to FTL just as the shock wave hit. Luckily he was able to (crash) land on a habitable planet, and it wasn't long before the Alliance found and rescued them.

 

“Where did you find him?” Joker asked softly.

 

“Surprisingly, near the body of Harbinger. When he activated the Crucible, he must have been transported back down before the explosion.”

 

 _What._ “Admiral, are you telling me you've had him for _weeks_?” Joker felt himself seething, and tried to control himself.

 

“Calm down, Lieutenant. We didn't want to let anyone know because initially we were unsure if he would survive. His injuries were extensive.”

 

“Can I go in?”

 

Hackett almost looked sympathetic. “I'm sorry, but his condition isn't stable enough for that.” _Oh._

 

Joker underestimated how much that would hurt. “I'd like to go now, sir.”

 

“Understood, Lieutenant. I'll have someone escort you out. They will provide contact information that you can use for future visits.”

 

“Thank you, sir.” Joker turned away, heading down the hallway toward the door.

 

“Lieutenant.”

 

Joker stopped and turned to look at the Admiral. “Sir?”

 

“Tell no one about what you've seen here. I don't have to remind you that Shepard's status is a secret, one that if broken would be considered treason.”

 

Joker fought the urge to roll his eyes. If he was in charge he wouldn't be hiding this information. Hell, it would give hope to everyone! “Yes, sir.”

 

X - X - X

 

Joker received the contact information as the Admiral had promised, even logged it into his computer. But the crushing fact was that he never did anything with it.

 

He didn't go back. He never visited Shepard again in the hospital. He didn't know why he didn't try to go at first. He started making excuses to himself, pretended he was unavailable when others tried to get him to visit. He was somehow to blame for Shepard being in that situation again, struggling for his life. _Why didn't I try harder?_

 

Days turned into weeks and while he kept getting messages on how Shepard was improving, he still didn't go.

 

Gradually, he convinced himself that Shepard didn't want to see him and was better off without him. Shepard wouldn't feel responsible for the cripple anymore, and he would be able to better look after himself because of it. Joker locked himself away in his apartment and only left when necessary. He barely ate and hardly slept.

 

Just over two months after Joker last saw Shepard he woke from his induced coma. Dr Chakwas stopped by to give Joker the news, and used that as a thinly veiled reason to check up on him.

 

“Jeff, you really should go see Shepard now that he's awake. I know he'd really like to see you. Also, you look horrible. You've been taking awful care of yourself.”

 

“Thanks, Mom. This crap is the last thing I need–OW!–dammit! Who said you could poke me with that thing?” Joker rubbed the shoulder where the Doctor had stuck the needle.

 

Chakwas glared at Joker as she wandered around the apartment, picking up after him. “I'm trying to give you a boost, since you're obviously incapable of doing it yourself. I'm going to visit Shepard tomorrow, why don't you come with me? Getting out of this apartment would do you some good–Oh my god, when was the last time you cleaned this bathroom!?!”

 

Joker had to smile at that, if only for a second before a mute expression returned to his face. “No way, Doctor. No way in hell.”

 

“Have it your way, Jeff. But if you want my opinion...”

 

“I don't.” He tried to interrupt.

 

“...you're making a huge mistake, and making a damn fool of yourself on top of it.”

 

Joker was tired and didn't want to listen to this lecture anymore. “I'd like to be left alone now.”

 

Chakwas had already decided that she had her fill of Joker and was already on the way to the door as he said that. She turned back and looked at him as she opened the door. “Jeff, please don't go down this path again. You've already done this once and as much as I hate to admit this it kills me to see you going down it again. Take care.”

 

Joker barely heard the door close as his mind wandered off into its own little world.

 

X - X - X

 

Another month went by and the messages continued. Thanks to modern medicine and the Cerberus implants Shepard was recovering quickly.

 

One day as Joker was sitting on the couch moping as he had been for weeks now, he received another message. As he leaned over toward the console on the table in front of him, the sender caught his eye. _Shepard_.

 

He highlighted the message and his finger moved toward the delete button but for some reason he stopped. His finger moved back to the message and clicked on it to open it.

 

_To: Jeff Moreau_

_From: Colton Shepard_

 

_Subject: Hey_

 

_Jeff,_

 

_I haven't seen you at the hospital and wonder how you're doing. I'm recovering quickly and would really like for you to stop by. You always give me the boost I need._

 

_Hope to see you soon,_

 

_Cole_

 

Joker reread the message before deleting it. _Bullshit,_ he thought to himself, _I'm not your good luck charm – I'm your bad luck one._

 

Over the next few weeks Joker received more messages from Shepard but deleted every one as soon as it came in. Eventually they stopped coming. When the messages stopped Joker briefly panicked but quickly told himself that he was doing the right thing.

 

Joker's leave that Alliance Command had given him ran out and he had to report to the nearest headquarters for reassignment. Given that the rebuilding effort on Earth was the highest priority Joker was assigned what duties he could to assist that effort. He was given a rudimentary piloting job on a standard Alliance transport, ferrying personnel and supplies to where they were needed. He enjoyed flying again, but this assignment just didn't compare to piloting a space ship.

 

Working was allowing Joker to feel better, to make him forget things he'd rather not remember. He got so caught up in his new assignment that he lost track of the passage of time. It was better that way.

 

One day, after a particularly long shift, Joker was trying to relax on his couch, ignoring the throbbing in his legs from sitting in the uncomfortable chair in the transport for such a long period of time. The door chimed and Joker jumped in surprise. He wasn't expecting anyone - Chakwas wasn't due for another week. He activated the console on the table and turned on the camera at the door, tensing suddenly at what he saw. Colton Shepard was standing outside his door. He closed the console and decided to just ignore it.

 

After a few minutes he jumped again as there was pounding on the door. “Jeff, I know you're in there. Chakwas told me everything.” _Damn that unscrupulous bitch, she just couldn't keep her nose out of it_.

 

Joker ignored him. It was for the best and he knew it. Apparently Shepard didn't agree as he pounded on the door again, this time with more force. “Dammit, Jeff! What did I do? Why didn't you come see me? Why didn't you at least reply? I thought we were friends...” his voice trailed off, breaking slightly, and Jokers resolve nearly cracked but he stayed fast.

 

“Fine Jeff, have it your way. I came here to see what is going on but obviously you don't want my help. I need friends that will stand with me, not ones who hide.” The last part made Joker feel like he'd been punched in the gut, but he told himself to stay strong, that this would be better for Shepard.

 

Joker continued to listen for several more minutes but was only met with silence. He activated camera and confirmed that Shepard had left. He felt relieved but also incredibly guilty. He told himself he could live with that.

 

After that day flying the transport just didn't feel right to Joker anymore. He wanted to get back out in space again. He was the best damn pilot in the Alliance, he should get whatever ship he wanted!

 

Joker submitted the request to Admiral Hackett and it was eventually accepted, but not without some persistence on his part. The Admiral did have some requirements, and one of them was to get in some simulator training to ensure his skills were still up to par. _Not a problem, I used to complete those simulations in my sleep._

 

X - X - X

 

Joker was so lost in thought that he nearly passed the building that was his destination. He pushed the events in the simulator out of his mind and tried to find the courage to walk in the front door, something that was more difficult that he'd expected it to be.

 

“Get in there, you damn cripple.” he mumbled to himself as he finally walked in the door. He slowly made his way to the elevator, called it and got in when the doors opened. He pressed the button for the correct floor and as it ascended he got increasingly anxious and nervous. His legs were also killing him from the walk and he silently cursed himself for deciding to use them as his mode of transport here.

 

He arrived at the floor with a chime from the elevator. The doors opened and Joker once again found that he had to force himself to move. He headed down the hallway and glanced at the numbers on the doors until he found the correct one. Standing in front of the door he reached for the doorbell but hesitated just as his finger was about to press the button. _What am I doing here? Is this the right decision? I should leave–NO–don't you dare leave, you chicken shit. You've gotten this far._

 

Joker finally pressed the button, hearing the chime and waited...nothing. He didn't hear anything on the other side of the door. After a minute or two he contemplated on whether he should try again or just leave. _Dammit, you're here for a reason. Give it another shot._

 

He pressed the doorbell again and began the waiting process anew, but this time he thought he heard some shuffling from inside.

 

“Coming!” _Shit. He is home._ Some small part of him had wished that Shepard hadn't been.

 

Joker heard some more sounds, then something along the lines of what he thought was someone tripping, a muffled curse and then the handle to the door handle finally began to turn.

 

Joker's anxiety and nervousness grew exponentially as the door began to open. Part of him was screaming at him to turn tail and run, but he made himself stay put.

 

Shepard had obviously been in the shower, as he was still wet. He'd thrown some clothes on to answer the door and was toweling his hair off so he couldn't see Joker yet.

 

“Sorry, you caught me in the shower...” Shepard trailed off as he finished toweling off his hair and finally looked at the person standing at his door.

 

“Hey.” is all Joker could muster. There was so much more he wanted to say, but he was nearly trembling and trying to keep himself under control. _What the hell is wrong with me?_

 

Shepard stared at Joker, his green eyes boring into his soul. His face turned into a scowl and before Joker could react the door was slammed in his face with rush of air and a loud crack.

 

Joker stared at the now closed door, not knowing what to do. The realization finally hit him that he'd made a horrible mistake treating Shepard like he did. _I've really screwed this up, haven't I._

 

He leaned forward and put his ear on the door, straining to hear anything. At one point he thought he could hear him on the other side. Joker nearly said something, but immediately thought better of it.

 

He righted himself and turned, walking back toward the elevator, the guilt regarding how he'd treated Shepard for months washing over him. Joker starting feeling nauseous and had to fight the urge to throw up for the second time that day.

 

He'd completely and totally fucked up the most important friendship of his life and had no idea how or if he would be able to repair it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Chapter 1 of my first fic on AO3. Actually, my first posted fic ever. I hope everyone is enjoying it so far.


	2. Anger

Colton Shepard had accepted his fate. He had always been prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice to save the galaxy. He never disclosed this fact to any of his friends and comrades, but he never expected to live to see the end of the Reaper war. So at the final battle with the Reapers at Earth, he made the only choice that made sense to him – to destroy them for good. The galaxy deserved a chance to exist without them, to break the endless cycle of slaughter.

 

As he activated the Crucible, he felt the energy surround him and he felt at peace. Deafening noise gave way to silence. His duty was over now, it was up to others to take up the mantle and help put the galaxy back together.

 

In his last moments, he reflected on the life he'd lived, feeling mostly pleased with how things had turned out. He'd met and served with amazing people, people he'd considered friends. He always knew he could depend on those around him, and found it amazing that it had turned out that way. He'd fought so hard for scraps growing up with the gangs on Earth, and the trauma of surviving Akuze had left scars so deep he had thought he would never recover. Learning to trust again was one of the greatest gifts he'd been given.

 

He did have regrets. Of all those he'd lost. Mordin, Thane, Legion...Ashley. Sending Ashley to her death was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. He hated making life or death decisions, but he knew that was a part of the burden of command. But it didn't stop him from feeling like he'd lost a piece of himself with every passing.

 

As he felt himself being lifted into the air, the light nearly blinding, Shepard knew he was ready for whatever awaited him.

 

X - X - X

 

_Silence. Darkness._

 

_Where am I?_

 

Shepard could hear muffled voices, other sounds he couldn't discern, coming from the blackness that surrounded him. Flashes of light could be seen on the horizon, but he felt incredibly tired. _Maybe I should rest for a while…_

 

Shepard was aware again. This time, the voices and sounds were louder, but he still couldn't make them out. _Is it anyone I recognize?_ He strained to try to make anything out, but it proved fruitless. The flashing lights beckoned. He started walking towards them, but after what seemed like hours had passed he felt like he was no closer to them. Fatigue overtook him again, and he felt powerless to resist it.

 

The voices again. This time they're much clearer. Shepard put in everything he had to try to hear what they were saying. “The monitor indicates increased brain activity.” _Success! But what does that even mean? It wouldn't matter if I'm dead – unless…_ “See? There's the spike again.”

 

 _Me! They're seeing me on the monitor!_ Shepard refocused everything into trying to send a message. _I'm here, dammit! I'm here!_ “There it is again – we should call the doctor.” _Finally!_ But all the effort wore on him, and he lost his battle to stay aware once again.

 

Things came into focus once again, but Shepard could tell this time that it felt different. The sounds were incredibly loud and the flashes overwhelmed the blackness. He almost couldn't take it – he felt overloaded. He gradually realized that he had other sensations that he didn't have before. He could feel his body now and tried to make it respond, but despite all of his attempts nothing worked and he was left frustrated.

 

 _Wait, I haven't even tried opening my eyes yet!_ Shepard tried to open his eyes, and was rewarded with slight movement. _Yes!_ He tried again and they opened just a crack, letting light in. _Just a bit more…_ He put all of his effort into it and finally got his eyes to slowly open. He tried to look around, but they didn't respond like he expected them to, and what he could see was blurry. Something moved into his vision from the left and he tried to look in that direction. He could make out the smiling face of someone he presumed to be a nurse. “Well, its about time you reentered the land of the living, you had us really worried there. I'll go let the doctor know that you're awake.”

 

 _I'm alive._ It was something that he never expected given what he'd endured, but even in his current state he managed to grin – if only ever so slightly – at that.

 

X - X - X

 

It took nearly a week, but Shepard finally had the energy to stay awake for a decent length of time. He'd never felt so tired in his entire life. He would be fine for a while but drowsiness would quickly overtake him. He didn't want to sleep. He wanted to recover – to move on with his life. He wasn't going to question the fact that he'd lived through the impossible _again_.

 

With his usual determination, he began working toward his goal of getting out of the hospital as soon as possible. The people there were extremely nice and he was grateful, but he'd spent too much time in hospitals, from his battle injuries to being rebuilt by Cerberus. He was reflecting on all the time spent in these sterile rooms when an unexpected visitor came in his room.

 

He looked up from his bed to see who it was. “Kaidan,” he said as a smile spread across his face, “its great to see you.”

 

“Good to see you too, Shepard.” Kaidan replied, hesitating in the doorway.

 

“Kaidan, you know I don't bite. Come in and make yourself comfortable.”

 

Kaidan smiled meekly and made his way over to the bed to give Shepard a light hug and then sat in the chair next to the bed. Shepard shook his head and grinned at Kaidan's typical awkwardness. “So, how's the Spectre business been while I've been imprisoned in here?” Shepard said, trying to get a rise out of Kaidan. He enjoyed trying to irritate the man, to crack through the cool exterior he always presented.

 

Kaidan smiled but didn't bite. “I've been quite busy, actually. You'd think with the war over and the galaxy in ruins I'd finally have that respite I always wanted.” Both men chuckled at the joke. Shepard knew that it was hard for Kaidan to try to lighten the mood, but he was trying.

 

Kaidan paused and looked at the floor, as if unsure how to proceed, before looking back up. “But seriously Shepard, I came here to see you. How are you feeling?”

 

“I feel about as good as I look, but I'm getting better every day. I never thought I would have a second chance, and I'm amazed that I got a third one. I intend to try to make the most of it, because I highly doubt I'll be given another one. At this point I wouldn't want it anyways.”

 

Kaidan nodded, but Shepard sensed that he was uncomfortable, given how he was shifting around in the chair. “Spit it out, Alenko.” Shepard followed it up with a smile, trying to make Kaidan feel at ease.

 

Kaidan open his mouth to speak but shut it immediately. He paused, collected his thoughts and tried again, making sure he looked Shepard in the eyes. He leaned forward, taking Shepard's hand in his. “Shepard, you know I care a lot about you. When I lost you at Alchera it took me two years to put myself back together. I was more prepared this time but it still hurt like hell, thinking you were gone again. I just wanted to know if you had any regrets about...us.”

 

Shepard immediately knew to what he was referring – it had been there all along between them, starting the day he'd met Kaidan. A connection, an attraction to each other. But neither of them had done anything about it. The mission was always the priority and personal feelings had to be put aside. The years of separation had taken their toll too. After this long Shepard looked at Kaidan as a friend – one of the best he had. He had a feeling that while Kaidan had put the option out there he felt the same.

 

“No, Kaidan, I don't. I really appreciate you bringing it up, and while there was a time when I would have wanted more, I enjoy what we have now and would like to keep it that way.” He moved his thumb back and forth over the top of Kaidan's hand.

 

Kaidan looked visibly relieved. “Me too, Shepard. Me too.” He let go of Shepard's hand and leaned back in the chair.

 

With the tension in the room lifted, both men fell back into their regular conversational pattern, with Kaidan bringing Shepard up to speed on what he'd been doing to assist with the rebuilding effort and ensuring galactic security while Shepard outlined his recovery process and what goals he had in mind. Time passed quickly, and before they knew it Kaidan had to leave.

 

Before he left, there was one thing nagging at Shepard that he was hoping Kaidan could answer. “Kaidan...” he started as the other man started to get up to leave.

 

“Yeah, Shepard.” Kaidan replied, looking down at him.

 

“Have you heard anything from Jeff? I've been visited or messaged by nearly everyone since I've been awake except for him. Hackett told me that he came to see me shortly after I was recovered but nothing since. Is there something going on that I should know about?”

 

Kaidan frowned. “I don't know what's going on either, Shepard. I've tried messaging him several times and even visited his apartment but I haven't made any progress. Have you tried checking with Chakwas?”

 

“I have, but she's been more evasive than usual.”

 

“Typical,” Kaidan snickered, “she is very protective of him.”

 

Shepard didn't join in. “I hope he's alright.”

 

Kaidan's face took on a more serious look. “I'm sure he is – have you tried messaging him?”

 

Shepard's cheeks flushed in embarrassment. “Uh...”

 

“Well, you may as well start there.” Kaidan said as he tried to hide his amusement.

 

Shepard scowled at him. “Thanks, jerk.” He unsuccessfully fought off the smile that followed, mumbling, “I can't even stay mad at you for that.”

 

“I have to go, Shepard. It was great seeing you. Take care.” Kaidan leaned down and embraced Shepard.

 

“Stay safe.” Shepard said as they let go. He watched as Kaidan turned to walk out and thought to himself. _What the fuck is up with Joker?_

 

X - X - X

 

Shepard was improving by the day, and soon started physical therapy to aid in his recovery. He sent a message to Joker, but never received a reply. Given what Kaidan had said he wasn't surprised. He didn't have much time to consider it as it wasn't a priority right now.

 

His physical condition recovered quickly over the course of a month, greatly assisted by modern medicine and his Cerberus implants, as well as his friends that were with him during the initial process where he could hardly walk. Kaidan helped the most, causing James to cry foul to Shepard, but Shepard was quick to point out that James carrying him across the room didn't count as therapy. James had laughed and agreed. Shepard didn't need the physical assistance anymore but was still a ways from being released, plus he still appreciated the visits.

 

He sent a few more messages to Joker over the next month but never got a reply. It bothered him, and a few times he took that irritation out on the treadmill. He didn't understand the lack of a response – Jeff and him had been so close. They went through the _whole damn war_ together. No one had been there through it all like he had, so the lack of communication was frustrating. He forced himself to push it to the back of his mind. _Recovery is the goal here._

 

Just over four months after waking up in the hospital, amazed to be alive, Colton Shepard finally was ready to leave. He was eager to join the rest of the world, the galaxy even, and contribute to the rebuilding effort. A lot of progress had been made on Vancouver while he was recuperating, but rebuilding a whole planet, let alone a whole galaxy, can't be done in the span of only six months.

 

Despite the clean bill of health from the doctors Shepard guessed that Alliance Command didn't want to give him too physical of an assignment when they gave him the job to assist in training new recruits. He didn't complain as it allowed him to display his combat prowess, impart some of his vast experience to others and to keep himself fit at the same time. If this was the way they wanted him to contribute he was willing to accept it, at least for now. He enjoyed the work, and the enthusiasm of the recruits was infectious.

 

The assignment kept him extremely busy and he didn't have much time for anything else – or anyone. After a few weeks he finally had some time available between recruiting classes so he decided that he would try to talk to Joker, maybe even confront him a bit. Shepard had stopped trying to send messages to him and really hadn't thought much about him until now. If Joker was willing to throw away their friendship Shepard was willing to accept it, but he felt like he at least deserved some answers from him. In an odd bit of timing Chakwas had come to speak to him the day that he planned to swing by Joker's place, and what she had told him worried him. It sounded to him like Joker really needed a friend right now, even if he didn't realize it himself.

 

After wrapping up some paperwork Shepard headed over to Joker's apartment, deciding to try to talk to him rather than confront him. From what Chakwas had said it sounded like Joker was very fragile, a state Shepard hadn't see in him in any time before. Joker had always been the strongest person he knew – much of it having to do with dealing with Vrolik syndrome and how people had treated him because of it.

 

The short drive to Joker's apartment in the VI controlled car was easy. _Now for the hard part_ , Shepard thought to himself. He waited until the car was parked and headed into the building, taking the elevator to the correct floor. The building was smaller than his, so he didn't have to walk far when the elevator doors opened to get to the door to Joker's apartment.

 

Standing in front of the door he took a moment to collect himself before he reached for the doorbell. He heard the chime in the apartment and waited...nothing. Given the fact that it was fairly late he was sure that Joker was home. He looked at the camera above the door, thinking that it might help for Joker to see it was him. He still heard nothing from inside.

 

Shepard waited a few minutes, his anger slowly building while standing at the door. It was beginning to offend him and this definitely wasn't going how he thought it would. He figured that actually showing up at Joker's door would force him to stop ignoring him.

 

He finally had enough of waiting and decided to bypass the doorbell, opting to pound on the door several times instead. He tried to keep his voice even as he decided to say something as well. “Jeff, I know you're in there. Chakwas told me everything.” _Well, as much as she felt like telling me, but he doesn't know that._

 

Still nothing. No noise or indication of a reaction from inside the apartment. Shepard was really getting angry now, and after a minute or so pounded on the door again, this time with more force. Control of his voice was near impossible now. “Dammit, Jeff! What did I do? Why didn't you come see me? Why didn't you at least reply? I thought we were friends...” He trailed off, not knowing how to continue. _Why am I even bothering with this prick?_

 

He gave it another minute or so, but at this point he was so angry that he probably would have just walked away even if Joker had opened the door. He didn't need to be concerned about that as he was still greeted with nothing. “Fine Jeff, have it your way. I came here to see what is going on but obviously you don't want my help. I need friends that will stand with me, not ones who hide.”

 

He turned and walked back to the elevator, trying to calm himself down. As he got back into the car, he had already decided he was done with trying to salvage this friendship. _Fuck. Joker._

 

X - X - X

 

As the hot water from the shower head flowed over his body, Shepard felt relief in his aching muscles. He'd pushed himself hard that day, in his quest to get himself back to the physical condition he was in before the end of the Reaper war. This assignment didn't help the aches either, as the recruits made Shepard push that much harder. His pride – and maybe his ego – didn't allow for him to be shown up by some trainees. He had to be better; to lead by example. The recruits needed to know that service takes dedication, and lots of it. He didn't accept someone putting in less than their all, because he knew that in a real crisis, with others relying on you, failure wasn't an option.

 

He cringed as he heard the doorbell ring, and contemplated ignoring it. After a moment he decided that he shouldn't leave the poor soul hanging at the door and turned off the water. He got out of the shower, grabbing the towel and started drying himself off as he exited the bathroom, heading toward his bedroom.

 

He quickly put on the t-shirt and shorts that he'd left out on the bed. As he did so, he heard the doorbell ring again. He hated being hurried. _Dammit – can't they just hold on a second!?!_

 

He left the bedroom, toweling off his hair as he went. He figured he should say something so the person knew he was there. “Coming!”

 

Just seconds later, he tripped over the leg of the table, cursing out loud at the sudden stab of pain in his toe. He recovered quickly and adjusted the towel so he could actually _see_ where he was going, at least until he got to the door.

 

He reached out and fumbled with the lock on the door, managing to unlock it with his towel impaired vision before turning the knob and opening the door itself. He didn't yet see who was there – _Not exactly smart to open the door without knowing who was there first, dumb ass_ – but greeted them the same as he finished drying his hair.

 

“Sorry, you caught me in the shower...” he trailed off as he finally saw who was standing at his door. He was dumbfounded. _Son of a bitch._

 

“Hey.” is all Joker, who was the least likely person he had expected to be there, managed to eek out. He looked like he wanted to say more, but something was holding him back. Shepard just stared at him, confusion quickly turning to anger as he contemplated Joker's sudden decision to show up after ignoring him for so long. Joker shifted about nervously under his intense gaze, avoiding Shepard's eyes.

 

Shepard didn't contemplate very long.

 

Shepard reached for the door, swiftly slamming it in Joker's face with a satisfying crack. He didn't want to hear any explanation as to why he was here, Shepard wasn't interested. He'd written the man off weeks ago since he figured the same had been done to him long before that. _I can't believe he has the gall to show up here after the bullshit he's pulled._

 

Shepard turned to head back to the bathroom but paused before he even took a single step, feeling slightly guilty for what he'd just done. It was Joker after all, his best friend for years – at least until recently. But the guilt was quickly overwhelmed by anger as he reminded himself that this person had thrown their friendship away for seemingly nothing, not him. He waited until he heard Joker walk away, his anger continuing to rise. He tried to calm himself, but Joker's sudden appearance had flared his emotions so rapidly that he felt like he was ready to boil over.

 

Seething as he walked into the bathroom to put the towel away, Shepard decided he couldn't hang around his apartment right now, he needed to vent. A thought occurred to him and a slight grin appeared on his face. He hadn't gotten in some target practice in a while, and now seemed like a perfect time to do it.

 

X - X - X

 

Shepard tried to take some time to cool down after the sudden appearance by Joker by taking his time to get ready and getting something to eat. By the time he was ready to go he was still angry, but not enough that he felt like punching the first person that was unfortunate enough to slightly irritate him. As he left his building he pushed those emotions to the back of his mind, intending to save them for the shooting range.

 

It was only a short walk to the building that contained the local Alliance shooting range, and Shepard had been there numerous times, many of them with recruits he'd been training. He liked to get his own practice in to keep his skill set up to par, especially between training sessions. It was also a way for him to relax, which was something he needed right now.

 

Around halfway to his destination he stopped, opened his omni-tool on his left arm and sent a message, continuing on as soon as he confirmed that it was sent. As he neared the building, his omni-tool beeped at him, and he stopped briefly to read the reply and smiled to himself as he closed the message and walked in the front door.

 

He passed through the initial security checkpoint, nodding to the posted guards as he proceeded further in to retrieve his equipment. The soldier at the checkout desk saluted as Shepard approached, and he returned the salute, smiling at the other man in greeting. They were familiar with each other since Shepard had spent so much time here.

 

“Its good to see you again Commander.” the man said as he smiled back at Shepard. “Would you like your usual configuration?”

 

“Sure, Lieutenant. Could I have some extra thermal clips as well?”

 

“Not a problem, I'll make sure the booth provides plenty. I'll be right back with your gear.”

 

“Thanks.” Shepard replied as the Lieutenant disappeared into a back room.

 

It took only a few minutes for the Lieutenant to reappear with Shepard's equipment in hand. “Alright sir. Just the usual fingerprint scan to log the check out, select an available booth and you'll be all set to go.”

 

Shepard scanned his finger as instructed and took a look at the available booths, noting that it was pretty busy today. He selected a booth that was a bit further away from the others so he had a bit of privacy. With that done, he performed a quick visual check of his equipment before heading toward the range, weapons in hand. Once at his chosen booth he laid out his equipment on the available table so he could perform a more detailed check on each before he used them, starting with his pistol.

 

Shepard considered himself lucky, as this was _his_ actual equipment, nearly all of it used during the war with the Reapers. It was a perk he'd insisted on when he accepted this assignment. While the recruits were stuck with whatever was available, he wanted to use what he was familiar with. It greatly assisted in the training, as he was better able to show the recruits how to handle their weapons properly and how to maximize their efficiency with them. It also may have been a slight ego trip for him as well since all of his weapons were emblazoned with the N7 logo.

 

Finishing with the checks and diagnostics on the pistol, he moved into the booth, putting on the provided ear protection and activating the range in front of him. He decided to start with static holographic targets, taking it slow at first.

 

The system whirred to life and the first targets shimmered into existence. Shepard glanced at the targets and did a quick assessment, loading his weapon with a thermal clip from the provided slot in the side of the booth. He took his gun in both hands and raised it, firing off three shots before lowering it slightly. All three targets shimmered out of existence, each indicating it was hit with a head shot. Shepard grinned at himself. _Not bad. Not bad at all._

 

Shepard cycled through a few more sets of static targets, taking each out with the same level of precision before he thought he'd had enough practice.  _Now its time to vent a bit_ , he thought. He swapped the thermal clip and allowed the anger he'd pushed to the back of his mind to surface. Shepard wasn't a very angry person by nature, but this whole situation had really irritated him. In his opinion, Joker was acting incredibly stupidly.

 

He set the range to mobile holographic targets, with a high VI intelligence level. At these settings, they would do their very best to avoid his shots, and they even had the option of cover as well. Shepard raised his gun again and initiated the program. He poured every ounce of emotion into it, tracking and taking out targets with ease. At this level he missed a few times, but it still wasn't much of a challenge as they didn't fire back at him. He was so focused on what he was doing that he didn't notice when another soldier walked up to the booth next to him and started setting out their equipment and performing similar checks to the ones Shepard had done earlier.

 

Shepard had just finished off another set and had unloaded his thermal clip when he felt a tap on his shoulder and visibly jumped. He took off the ear protection and turned, frowning at the soldier who was now laughing so hard that he could barely stay standing.

 

“Oh my god, the great Commander Shepard is actually human! I can't believe how far you jumped!” the soldier managed between chuckles.

 

Shepard rolled his eyes. “Very funny, Cortez. You know, I very nearly knocked you out for that.”

 

Cortez looked at Shepard, amusement still showing on his face. “Hey, its not my fault. Hell, you're the one who invited me, remember?”

 

“I think I regret that decision.” Shepard replied as he lowered his pistol, trying not to let a smile creep onto his face.

 

Cortez put his hand over his heart in mock pain. “Shepard, you wound me!”

 

“Not as badly as you nearly were earlier. Now, are you going to just stand there or are we going to compete?” Shepard said as he walked to the table and put his pistol down.

 

“Can I at least get some practice in first? It would only be fair.” Cortez mock pouted.

 

Shepard had to fight the urge to roll his eyes. “Fine, but hurry it up Steve.”

 

Steve quickly grabbed his pistol and went to work, getting a few practice rounds in. Shepard could have spent some additional time practicing himself, but he wanted to save himself for the upcoming competition run with Cortez. As time passed his already thin patience was tested and he couldn't help fidgeting a bit waiting for Cortez to finish.

 

After nearly fifteen minutes Cortez indicated he was as ready as he'd ever be, so both men gathered their equipment and made the short walk to the competition range, with Shepard leading the way.

 

Both men dropped off their equipment at the provided secure lockers and before closing his Shepard picked his assault rifle. It wasn't his favorite weapon – the shotgun was – but the assault rifle was the better choice for this. He looked over at Cortez, who was mulling over his options. “Pick something already.”

 

Cortez mumbled something under his breath that Shepard couldn't make out before he too selected the assault rifle. Shepard stepped up to the console and began setting up the parameters for the contest. After he finished, he stepped up to his start position and took one last look at Cortez. Shepard couldn't resist the opportunity to take a slight dig at his friend and comrade. “I made it easier for you, Cortez. I know you're pretty rusty.”

 

Cortez stepped up to his start position to Shepard's left, grinning wickedly at him, blue eyes flashing. “I'll try to take it easy on you, old man.” He grabbed a thermal clip from the provided terminal, loaded it in his weapon and nodded to Shepard just before he activated his barriers.

 

“We'll see.” Shepard replied as he loaded his own thermal clip and activated his barriers, starting the program from his omni-tool.

 

A voice could be heard from all around them. _“Initiating program…complete. Registering parameters...complete. Generating holographic field and objects...complete. Starting sequence in 5...4...3...2...1...”_

 

A loud klaxon coincided with the start. Shepard rushed forward, easily taking out the first three targets that presented themselves before diving behind a crate for cover as fire whizzed by him. He heard the sound of barriers being impacted and a muffled curse to his left and he briefly smiled. He did a quick visual check to determine where the fire was coming from before rolling out of cover. A quick burst from his rifle and the drone was destroyed.

 

Shepard continued on, hitting several more targets before he spotted a mech ahead of him. He tried to get as close as possible to it before taking cover but cut it too close as the mech suddenly turned and fired off several rounds at him, one striking his shoulder before he could get to cover. He listened to the mech move towards his position, and when it was close enough he popped out of cover firing several bursts of rounds before it went down. As the mech fell, the klaxon sounded again, indicating the end of the match. His omni-tool beeped at him, indicating he was the winner.

 

The holographic field disappeared, and Shepard could see an irritated Cortez. “ _Shit_ , Cole, I would say I wasn't ready or you cheated or something like that, but I know you wouldn't believe me anyways.”

 

“Don't worry Steve, I'll try not to tell _everyone_ how badly you lost.”

 

Cortez managed to look even more irritated. “That's it – we're going again.” He said as he stood and started walking back to the start position.

 

Shepard smiled as he followed Cortez back to the starting positions. “Fine, but I wouldn't expect a different result if I were you.”

 

Cortez just growled.

 

Shepard was right – the result didn't change even though they ran through the sequence three more times. In fact, the second one went even _worse_ for Cortez, given how irritated he was. He had stumbled and the drone pierced his barriers immediately. He went down to a simulated kill shot, giving the win to Shepard. He did better in the next attempt, taking fewer hits and even managing not to stumble, which Shepard pointed out to his own amusement. On the last attempt, Cortez even got to the mech, but was unable to even take a shot before he was staring defeat in the face again.

 

After the final attempt Cortez slumped to the ground, gasping for air. Once he'd caught his breath, he managed, “Alright, you win. Still, it was damn fun, Shepard.”

 

Shepard was breathing hard, but was in far better shape than Cortez. “Agreed on both counts. Also, thanks for accepting my offer. It was nice to run though this with someone I know. The recruits have been bothering me to run it against them, but I've managed not to so far.”

 

Cortez grinned up at Shepard. “Its probably for the best. We wouldn't want our recruits giving up just as their training starts. What you'd do to them would be a major blow to their egos, just like how mine is now in tatters.”

 

Shepard extended a hand to help Cortez up and both men walked back to the lockers to retrieve their equipment. As they walked back to the checkout desk, Cortez noticed that Shepard was being more silent than usual. “Shepard, if we're done here, I was thinking of stopping by Space Traders for a drink and was wondering if you'd join me.”

 

Shepard considered the offer, but he was tired and felt like going home. He wasn't in the mood for going out. “Thanks for the offer, but I think I'm going to head home.”

 

“No problem, Shepard.”

 

After turning in their equipment and leaving the building, Cortez stopped Shepard just after he'd said goodbye and turned to leave.  Shepard turned back to the other man, curiosity showing on his face. “Cole, even though it was funny at the time, its rare when anyone can surprise you like that. You were so focused, not on the range or the targets, but on something else. Is that why you contacted me? Is there something you want to talk about?”

 

Shepard stared at Cortez and considered his options, but quickly settled on the easiest one. “Nothing you need to worry about, Steve, but thanks for the concern.” _I don't need to unload this stupid Joker shit on him. Plus, it isn't that big of a deal anyways._

 

Cortez nodded, but it was obvious he didn't believe Shepard. He just knew not to push when it was plain that Shepard didn't want to talk about something. “Alright then. Take care, Shepard, and don't hesitate to contact me again if you need anything.”

 

“I will. You take care as well.”

 

The men briefly embraced before Shepard headed back to his apartment, far calmer than he was earlier. On the way, he considered what he should do about Joker, if anything at all. Now he wasn't sure if he wanted to throw such a long time friendship away so easily.


	3. Regret

Joker wanted to get very, very drunk. In his opinion, the sooner he accomplished that goal, the better.

 

On the elevator ride back down to the ground floor of Shepards building he took the time to consider his current situation. His impromptu visit to Shepard's apartment hadn't gone very well. In fact, it had gone horribly. He shouldn't be surprised that Shepard just slammed the door in his face without saying anything, as Joker was the one that spent months ignoring him. Still, before that moment he had some hope that their friendship was salvageable. Now he had none. _I have no one to blame but myself for that one._

 

As Joker left the building, he considered where he should partake of some booze. He could go home, but he'd spent months drinking there, alone. He didn't necessarily want to talk to anyone, he just wanted to be around people. Maybe that would help him remember what it was like to have friends.

 

He brought up his omni-tool and ran a quick search for local bars. The nearest place was something called Space Traders, a bar he didn't remember ever going to before. _That is a pretty awful name for a bar – what are they going for there?_ he thought to himself. Given it was the closest and within walking distance – even for him – he still decided to go to the poorly named establishment. He didn't want to walk any further than necessary given the fact that his legs still ached from walking to Shepard's apartment and the faster he started drinking the faster he could reach his goal. He closed his omni-tool and started on his way to the bar, opening it back up a few times en route to verify he was going the right way.

 

Roughly fifteen minutes later he arrived. Despite the name, Joker had to admit after his first look at the building that he was slightly impressed. It followed the sleek, metallic curves of the other buildings around it, but also incorporated holographic space ships in simulated maneuvers and battles on several outdoor displays. The holographic ships actually looked as if they were maneuvering around the building itself. Joker smiled, as he had to admit he was a sucker for this type of stuff. After a few minutes of gawking he made his way inside.

 

Once through the door Joker got a good look at the interior of the bar after his eyes had adjusted. The contrast to the exterior couldn't have been greater. The best word he could come up was cozy, as the light levels were mild to say the least, the deliberate lack of windows contributing to the effect. The space theme continued into the bar, but was much more low key than he expected, with theme specific artwork adorning the simulated brick walls and models of ships were tastefully placed. To his left was a large u-shaped bar surrounded by bar stools with various tables and chairs further out – all built of simulated wood. Trees weren't exactly rare, but environmental preservation initiatives dictated that they weren't used like they used to be. There was a dancing area in the far corner featuring the standard obnoxious lighting that was likely used later at night. That didn't matter much to him since he didn't have any dancing ability, given his condition. That would be one part of the bar he would never use. To his right, there was gaming area with a multitude of games including the classic pool and darts – holographic versions, of course – and even a few arcade games. It had been a while since he'd seen one of those. Soft music played, which contributed to the coziness. He nodded as he scoped out the place. _This is better than I thought I'd be._

 

He made his way over to the bar, which only had a couple patrons sitting at it. Joker wasn't surprised as it was the middle of a weekday. This place was probably much busier in the evening and late at night. He selected a seat away from the others, but not too far away. He didn't want to advertise the fact that he was a loner. He cringed as that thought creeped him out a bit.

 

He struggled a bit to get onto the bar stool, grimacing and muttering a few curses as he finally managed to get seated. _God I hate bar stools._ He looked up and quickly realized that the cute brunette bartender was already standing in front of him, ready to take his order. He felt his face flush in embarrassment as he wondered how much of his struggles to get into the seat she had witnessed.

 

If she had noticed anything she didn't indicate it. “Welcome to Space Traders. What can I get you?”

 

Joker smiled meekly in return, appreciating the fact that any potential topic regarding his physical issues had seemingly been avoided. “Vodka on the rocks, please, no brand in particular. Actually, make it a double.”

 

“You got it. You plan on opening a tab?”

 

“Yeah, that is probably a good idea.” Joker opened his omni-tool and connected to the bars wireless system, going through the steps to open a tab. By the time he had closed the omni-tool the bartender was back with his drink.

 

He considered nursing the drink since it was his first one but thought _fuck it_ to himself and downed it in one go. His body language must have given his intentions away because the bartender had another drink ready as soon as he had polished off his first one. _Very perceptive, this one._

 

Joker checked out her ass as she walked away from him and sighed. He hadn't had many relationships in his life and not many more sexual experiences than that. Once a woman found out that he had Vroliks all he got was sympathy and coddling, and _damn_ did he hate both. They also tended to tire of dealing with his lack of mobility – or maybe that was his narcissistic attitude that went with it. While Cerberus had greatly improved his mobility, his attitude hadn't improved to the same degree. He'd just given up on relationships, deeming them to be more trouble than they were worth. But, that now apparently extended to friendships as well, and he was regretting that fact. Joker didn't like to admit that he was lonely, but that was the truth.

 

Wallowing in his self pity Joker slowed his drinking down. He still had the goal of getting extremely drunk in mind, but didn't want it to occur as quickly as originally intended. As the afternoon wore on he maintained a high level buzz to dull the pain, not willing to push himself over the edge quite yet. He even managed to strike up a conversation with one of the other patrons, but it didn't consist of much more than generalized mumblings.

 

As the afternoon turned to evening people started flowing into the bar, and things started getting a bit livelier. Is his current state Joker didn't mind, and enjoyed the more upbeat atmosphere created by those who had a long day and were just looking to unwind.

 

Just as he was feeling like he was starting to relax a bit, Joker caught something out of the corner of his eye. Turning to look, he saw his old comrade Steve Cortez strolling in through the door. _Shit. Just what I wanted – someone who knows me coming in here._ Joker quickly turned back toward the bar and lowered his hat a bit, trying to hide himself while pretending to pay attention to his drink. His mind was racing. _Oh god, I hope he didn't see me. Please, please, please, please let him not see me._

 

After hunkering down over his drink for a few minutes Joker thought that he may be in the clear. Just as he completed that thought he felt a hand on his shoulder and Joker froze in place, his muscles tensing. He forced himself to turn and was met with a beaming smile from one Steve Cortez. Joker tried to not look unhappy to see him, and was unsure if he had any success. If Steve noticed, he didn't seem phased by it.

 

“Joker! I thought I saw you over here. Mind if I join you?”

 

Joker thought he had an out. _Whew._ “Actually...”

 

Apparently it was a token gesture as Steve removed his hand and proceeded to sit down next to Joker, much to the other mans chagrin. Joker cursed silently to himself as Steve continued.

 

“Great, thanks man. Its been a while, hasn't it.” Neither man had seen the other very much since the loss of the Normandy SR-2.

 

Joker quickly realized that he had only two choices – end the conversation quickly and make a swift exit without meeting his inebriation goal, or adjust to the fact Steve was here to stay and make due. He chose the latter. _Hell, maybe some interaction with another of my old comrades will do me some good,_ he thought to himself.

 

“Yeah it has Steve.”

 

Steve smiled even more widely than before, glad to have someone here to talk to since Shepard had turned him down earlier. “How have you been?”

 

“Okay, I guess. I've been piloting shuttles until recently, but I really miss being at the helm of a space ship.” Joker's face took on a wistful look as his thoughts wandered to his days of piloting the Normandy, but after moment he shook them away. “I'm trying to land a new commission.”

 

Steve clapped his hands together in excitement, looking like an energetic puppy. “That's great! You're too talented to waste your skills on some junky shuttle. When do you think you'll be assigned to a ship?”

 

“I need to pass some simulator training sessions to verify my skill set before I can receive any assignment and–well...” Joker's eyes dropped to his drink and his hand rubbed nervously on the bar stool. He could feel the heat in his cheeks. “...it didn't go quite as I expected.”

 

Steve’s excitement was quickly replaced by concern. “Really? What happened?”

 

Joker frowned briefly and he considered telling Steve the whole story, but decided he didn't want to wreck the evening with something like that. “Its not something I really want to talk about now – I hope you don't mind. I'd rather focus on trying to enjoy myself.”

 

Steve reached up and gave Joker's shoulder a squeeze, smiling once again. “No problem – but I don't get what it is with you Alliance types holding stuff back today.” He turned to order a drink from the bartender who had just walked up.

 

Joker was puzzled. “What do you mean, Cortez?”

 

“Oh – I was hanging out with Shepard earlier– _correction_ –more like getting my ass handed to me by Shepard and he closed off the same way you just did just when I thought he was going to tell me something important.” he said as he finished ordering his drink. “But, I know when not to pry.”

 

Joker was taking a good haul from his drink as Steve made that statement and it took a significant effort for him to not spit some of it out. He did his best to mask his reaction, and hoped that the other man didn't notice. He briefly wondered what the two of them had discussed but his mind didn't linger on it very long. He polished off his drink and ordered yet another.

 

“Looks like someone is pretty thirsty.” Steve said as the bartender arrived with his drink.

 

Joker just waved a slightly drunken hand at him. “Bah.”

 

Steve picked up his drink and took a sip, his face lighting up as he turned and looked across the bar. Joker didn't have a good feeling regarding that look. “Hey,” Steve started as he turned back towards Joker, “wanna go play some pool? Beats just sitting here moping.” _Shit. The man is more observant that I gave him credit for,_ Joker thought to himself.

 

Still, he did have a point. That did sound like a lot more fun than his original plans. Joker was really glad that Steve had suddenly shown up. “Yeah, sure. That doesn't sound bad at all.”

 

Joker got off of the stool he was on and turned to make his way to the nearest open pool table. After a couple wobbly steps, he realized that his drink was still on the bar. He turned back around, but much too quickly given his current condition. He suddenly lost his balance and began to fall backward. As he fell toward the floor he considered how much this was going to hurt and what he might break. _Idiot._

 

As quickly as the fall started, it ended. Joker mentally checked himself and realized that nothing hurt and nothing seemed to be broken. Looking around in a confused state, he noted that he wasn't even on the floor. In fact, he seemed to be lifting up to a standing position. As his brain caught up with what was happening, he figured out that Steve had moved incredibly quickly to catch him, and Joker still had the other mans arm wrapped around him, keeping him steady.

 

Joker turned towards the other man, intending in his exceedingly slow, drunken brain to thank him for the rescue. But as their eyes met, Joker couldn't manage to say anything. Steve's eyes bore concern for Joker, but all Joker could think about was how pretty a shade of blue they were, and he felt like he could stare into them forever. He smiled at the other man, and the concern on Steve's face shifted to amusement as he realized that Joker was just fine. _I never considered how attractive Steve is,_ Joker idly thought to himself as his gaze flicked down to Steve's lips for the briefest of moments before settling back on those eyes again. The two men held that position for a few moments, neither one moving. Joker felt the incredible urge to reach up and caress Steve's face, but tossed away the urge as his brain finally caught up. At nearly the same time both men became aware of how intimate their position was, and Joker forced himself to look away. Steve must have been as uncomfortable as Joker was as he removed his arm from around Joker and took a step back.

 

Joker nervously adjusted his hat, still looking away from Steve. He didn't know what to say, but knew he should say _something_ . “Thanks for the assist.” he said while reaching for his drink, “I can be really klutzy when I'm drunk, which is not exactly a great thing.” _Great recovery – I think._

 

Steve seemed to recover quickly, and a large smile appeared on his face. If he had any opinion on what had just happened he certainly didn't show it. “You're welcome.” He motioned toward an open pool table. “Think you can make it on your own?” Joker noted that his smile widened even more after he said that, if that was even possible.

 

Joker scowled at the remark, his eyes thinning to tiny slits as his gaze bore into Steve. “Asshole.” he jokingly spit out as he started again towards the table, noticeably more carefully than before. Steve chuckled at the reaction he got and started after him.

 

The remainder of the night flew by, as the two played numerous games and downed even more numerous drinks. The two men talked, laughed and simply enjoyed each others company. As they stumbled out of the bar, Joker thought to himself that he definitely was glad that Steve had shown up. He couldn't remember why he wanted to be alone in the first place.

 

X - X - X

 

Joker looked across the meadow and felt at peace. The wind was caressing the tall grass, making it sway back and forth. He looked up into the blue green sky and briefly closed his eyes, bathing in the sunlight that was raining down upon him. He reached out and felt the tips of the grass, noting how soft they were as he looked around, trying to assess exactly where he was. There was something very familiar about this place.

 

He was jolted from his revery by a scream of terror in the distance. He ran in the direction of its origin, up a large hill. As he neared the top, the wind changed. Instead of the pleasant prairie aromas that it carried before, it instead carried a stench – of smoke, of pain, of _death._

 

Once at the top of the hill he stopped and took a look around. He could see a small village in the valley the hillside led to, but it was some distance away. The village appeared to be under some sort of attack and numerous buildings were burning, smoke billowing up into the sky.

 

Joker heard a loud noise from above him and looked up just as a Reaper descended from the clouds, landing near the village. He heard several screams and yells just as the Reaper fired its weapons, quickly silencing them. He realized that he needed to get out of there and fast.

 

As he was deciding how to proceed, he heard another scream coming from his left, and it sounded much closer. He looked in the direction that it came from and saw some people running up the hill away from the village, being chased by several husks. For reasons he couldn't fathom he decided to try to help and began running towards them. As he closed in, he determined that there were four refugees and they were running towards a barn, presumably for cover. There was an asari with a human child, followed by two other human adults.

 

As they neared the barn, Joker could see that the husks were nearly upon the two human adults and he realized that they wouldn't make it. He tried to shout out a warning but it was already too late. The husks pounced on them and he tried to ignore their screams as they died in agony, their flesh being torn away. The asari and human child took the opportunity to try to make it to the barn while the husks were distracted but the child, whom Joker was now close enough to recognize as a young girl, tripped on something and fell. The asari stopped and turned back toward her as the child cried out, grabbing her leg which apparently was injured by the fall. The asari immediately took the child into her arms and ran for the barn, as the noise had drawn the attention of one of the husks, who began pursuing them. The asari was fast and quickly made it to the barn door, opening it as quickly as she could before taking them both inside.

 

Joker reached the barn moments later but was forced to try to find another way in as the husk had beaten him to the main door. He walked along the side until he found another entrance, which thankfully was unlocked when he tried to open it. He took a moment to compose himself and catch his breath before sneaking inside, closing the door behind him. It was dark in the barn, with the only sources of light coming in through the gaps in the wood and a few small windows. Joker waited until his eyes had adjusted to the darkness before he moved further into the barn. He did it as quietly as he could as he didn't want to alert the husk to his presence, especially since he didn't quite know where it was right now.

 

He heard a whimper from further in, and began moving in that direction. As he rounded a corner, he heard another noise coming from one of the stalls. Joker noticed the door to the stall was slightly open as he approached. He looked in and saw both the asari and the girl. The asari looked like she was trying to calm the girl, who was holding her leg and from the noise she was making appeared to be in considerable pain. He couldn't quite make out her face and before he could move further in the main barn door opened behind him.

 

In the burst of light he finally got a glimpse of the girls face and he froze in horror. _It can't be her, it just can't be._ It was his little sister, Hilary. His mind raced as he realized where he was – _when_ he was. He knew everything had seemed familiar but until this moment he hadn't given it a ton of thought. This was home, Tiptree, and he was going to relive the horror once again. He hadn't seen it himself – he was away fighting the Reapers with Shepard but he knew what had happened. He also knew he wasn't in any danger at all.

 

The husk entered the barn, moving towards Joker. Joker didn't bother moving at all, he kept eyes on the asari, who was doing her best to keep the girl, his sister, from making any noise. She kept her hand over the girl's mouth, but Hilary kept whimpering over the pain in her leg. The husk drew closer and they were in danger of being discovered at any moment. Joker saw as a look of sadness crossed over the asari's face as she put her other hand on the child's forehead.

 

Joker cried out, trying to get her to stop. “NO! Please don't! You don't have to! PLEASE!” But it didn't matter because she couldn't hear him. A moment later her hands moved rapidly and it was over, the child slumping into her lap, motionless. Tears ran down the asari's face, but she stayed silent until the husk eventually left the barn. She waited a few more moments before she got up and moved towards the door, wiping her face as she went.

 

After she departed, Joker tilted his head back and yelled at the top of his lungs, hoping that it would somehow drown out all the pain he was feeling.

 

X - X - X

 

Joker woke up from the nightmare with a start, gasping for air. He was soaked with sweat and his mouth felt incredibly dry, his throat raw. He sat up in his bed to try to compose himself when the door suddenly opened, throwing him into defense mode. He didn't know who had broken into his apartment, but they were sure going to regret it.

 

As he was reaching for the gun he kept hidden near his bed, he heard a voice from the door. “Jeff, are you alright? You were screaming like mad in here – it scared the hell out of me.” _Steve. What in the hell is he–oh right, the bar. We must have stumbled here and Steve just crashed._

 

As his eyes adjusted, Joker finally made out the form of his friend in the doorway. “ _Shit,_ Steve, I almost shot you! I'm alright, it was just a nightmare.”

 

“Anything you want to talk about?” Joker could hear the concern in Steve's voice.

 

“Nah. I just want to try to get some sleep.”

 

Steve didn't push, likely because he wasn't in any condition to. “Alright, I'm going to try to do the same.”

 

Joker laid back as the door closed and shut his eyes again, trying to will those visions of his sister, slumped over with her head twisted backwards and dead eyes staring at him accusingly, to go away.

 

X - X - X

 

Joker had no idea when he had finally fallen back asleep but when he awoke, he could see light around the edges of the shades over the windows above his bed. The visions of the nightmare had faded and as he tried to decide whether to get up his stomach grumbled and made the decision for him. He hadn't eaten since early the previous day, and was very hungry.

 

He got up and opened the door, leaving the bedroom and moving down the hall towards the kitchen. He yawned, not feeling very rested after the nights events but knew that going back to bed right now likely wouldn't help matters. He also had one hell of a headache, but that was to be expected given how much drinking he'd done the night before.

 

As Joker turned out of the hallway and into the kitchen, he heard a loud, _snoring_ noise to his right. He turned to see Steve sleeping on his couch, cuddled under a blanket, blissfully unaware of all of the logs he was sawing. Joker chuckled at the sight as he started making some breakfast.

 

About halfway through his omelet preparation his omni-tool buzzed at him, indicating an incoming call. He activated the display and saw it was from Admiral Hackett. As he answered, he wondered why the Admiral was contacting him.

 

“Admiral, sir. What can I do for you?” As he was speaking, Joker noted that the man didn't look happy, not that the Admiral ever did.

 

“You can start by telling me what the hell is wrong with you. You aren't one to screw up an opportunity, Lieutenant, especially since they are in short supply these days.”

 

Joker couldn't help the confusion that came over him, and he knew that it had to have shown on his face. “I'm sorry sir, I don't know to what you're–“

 

Hackett scowled, his voice raising as he spoke again. “The simulator, soldier. What the hell happened there? When I received the report I could scarcely believe that one of my finest pilots had choked, especially when he had come to me begging for that opportunity.”

 

The sudden realization of what the Admiral was referring to made Joker nauseous all over again. The memories came flooding back and he fought to maintain composure. In the torrent of emotions he'd experienced in the simulator and the events that had followed, he hadn't even considered the implications of what had happened, as well as the potential consequences. The Admiral did have a point, and Joker needed to figure out a way to explain himself. His thought process must have taken too long as shouting from his omni-tool brought him back to reality.

 

“Am I _boring_ you, Lieutenant? Because if I am I can end this call right now and reassign you to your previous post.”

 

“NO!– _No_. Sir, you aren't. I was just thinking about what you said, and I owe you an explanation.”

 

Hackett's expression didn't change. “I'm listening.”

 

Joker looked away for a moment, trying to figure out where to start. He quickly decided to just recite the whole thing and see how the Admiral reacted. The man did appreciate honesty.

 

He took a breath and looked back at the screen, starting at the beginning. “Well sir, everything started smoothly...” Joker continued, and the scowl on the Admiral's face deepened as the story progressed, making Joker nervous. “...and when the Reaper appeared, sir, I froze. It was something I didn't expect at all. I admit that I may have gotten a bit upset.”

 

The Admiral raised an eyebrow. “A _bit_ , Lieutenant? I have several witnesses that claim you were downright hostile.”

 

Joker felt his face flush. “Sir–I...” He wasn't used to being flustered, and was thankful when the Admiral continued.

 

“While I'm not happy about your performance as well as your conduct, you had a decent point that your talents may have been getting wasted on your previous assignment. Given that, I'm willing to give you another shot in the simulator.”

 

Joker felt relieved. “Thank you sir, when do I report there?”

 

“Tomorrow morning.” the Admiral said matter of factly.

 

Relief turned back to panic. Joker didn't think he was ready and said as much. “I appreciate that sir, but could I get a bit more time?” He regretted saying it as soon as the words left his mouth, and could swear that the Admiral looked annoyed at his request.

 

“I'll give you three days, Lieutenant. No more.” The Admiral reached toward something that Joker couldn't see and the communication ended.

 

Joker was left to mull over the conversation as he finished breakfast. He mentally cursed at himself for being so rash and stupid. He was accustomed to being bold and assertive, but he tried very hard to not overreact like he had, especially when being assessed. It all stemmed from when he was in flight school – he had to work twice as hard as the other pilots to even be taken seriously because all they saw was his disability, or what they considered to be one. Stunts like the one he pulled in the simulator just set him back further.

 

Just as he took out a couple plates to put the omlettes on he heard Steve walking toward the counter behind him.

 

“Morning.”

 

Joker turned and tried to smile a bit at the other man, pushing the call from Hackett to the back of his mind. “Morning.”

 

“Breakfast?” Steve was glaring at one of the omlettes that Joker had just plated.

 

“Yeah – that and I think some painkillers on the side.”

 

Steve laughed. “Agreed.”

 

Joker handed the plates to Steve, along with some utensils. While Steve took them to the table, Joker grabbed some painkillers from one of the cabinets and poured two glasses of water using some glasses he retrieved from another.

 

He brought everything to the table, where Steve was already eating. Steve looked up, his mouth full of food, nodding thanks to Joker as he placed the glass and painkillers in front of him. Joker sat down and the two men spent the next ten minutes eating in silence.

 

“So, what did Hackett want?” Steve asked casually.

 

Joker tried to not look surprised, but he figured he likely failed. “What? You mean, you heard–“

 

Steve looked sympathetic. “It was hard not to, with Hackett nearly shouting like he was. I was awake when you walked into the kitchen – I just wasn't quite ready to get up yet.”

 

“Well, sorry you had to hear all that. I wasn't exactly anticipating that call.” Joker was hoping that Steve wouldn't press further, but he was quickly disappointed.

 

“This had something to do with the new commission you mentioned last night, didn't it. What happened in the simulator?”

 

Joker was getting annoyed. “I appreciate that you're trying to be a friend here, Steve, but I'd rather not talk about it.” He hoped that would be the end of the subject.

 

Joker jumped as Steve’s fist slammed down into the table with a loud whomp, and looked at the other man who appeared to be seething. Joker suddenly felt a bit smaller – he'd never seen Steve angry before. “THAT IS IT! I've had enough with this bullshit. I know soldiers tend to not be very good at expressing their feelings but I'm tried of trying to help someone that obviously needs it only to be pushed away because they don't want to deal with it! First Shepard, then you–“ A sudden realization came over his face and he calmed instantly. “Wait a minute – your difficulties wouldn't have anything to do with Shepard, would they? When I decided to hang out with you last night despite your mopy mood you nearly spit out your drink when I mentioned him.”

 

Joker looked away as he squirmed a bit in his chair, feeling uncomfortable. He felt Steve's gaze boring into him.

 

Steve continued. “You two always seemed so close when we were on the Normandy. I sometimes wondered if you were an item– _wait_ –you aren't an item are you?”

 

Joker's eyes snapped back up and he looked right at Steve, anger rising. “ _Christ no!_ He is– _was_ –my best friend and through some stupidity on my part, I fucked that up.”

 

Steve's face softened despite the verbal outburst from Joker. “Then tell me. I can't help if I don't know. I realize we weren't exactly close when we were stationed on the Normandy, but I can't help but think of the rest of you as part of my family now. We all went through hell together.”

 

 _He's right, I am being pretty fucking stupid about this._ Joker tried to calm himself, taking some time to adjust his hat before replying. “Yeah, we did. I know I'm not exactly the easiest guy to get along with, but I wanted to say first that I'm glad you're here. I don't exactly have many friends right now, so there isn't anyone to talk to.”

 

“Well, I'm here now.”

 

 _Ah to hell with it._ Joker told Steve the whole story on how his friendship with Shepard had gotten to this point, starting with his initial visit after Shepard was found alive – again. Steve listened intently the whole time, nodding here and there but not saying a word until Joker was done.

 

Joker finally finished and looked expectantly at Steve, awaiting his opinion on the matter. Steve took a moment to consider before he opened his mouth. “So what do you plan to do now?”

 

Joker was incredulous at what he had just heard. “That's it? What about what I've done?”

 

“Look – I'm not saying to ignore the past, but it sounds like both of you have made mistakes here. You should try to move forward.”

 

Joker scoffed. “Well, that's easy for you to say. Plus, I've already tried and I think it would be better if I just left it alone.”

 

Steve didn't believe that for a second. “That is bullshit and you know it. You two were close once, and I don't want to see you throw that friendship away. Do you?”

 

“No, but I'm not exactly skilled at friendship. Sure, Shepard and I really understood each other – that is one of the reasons we got along so well. But repairing friendships isn't exactly my strong suit.”

 

“I got that impression.” Steve said dryly with a smile on his face.

 

Joker suddenly was feeling eager to get out of this conversation. “Look, I'll think about where to go from here, okay? I just can't deal with it right now as I need to focus on getting this commission. Flying those transports is _killing_ me.”

 

Steve felt that he had pressed enough. “Alright, alright. Just let me know you'll try, Jeff.”

 

Joker truely smiled for the first time that day. “I got it – I will. Now, are we done?”

 

Steve laughed. “Yeah, we are.”

 

Steve helped Joker clean up before he said his goodbyes and left his apartment. He wanted to go back to his place to shower and put on fresh clothes. He was thankful that he didn't have to report to duty for a while yet as he had another destination in mind first.

 

He stopped and opened his omni-tool, scrolling through his contact list until he found the desired entry and made the call. Thankfully he didn't have to wait very long as the person on the other end picked up almost instantly.

 

“Hey, Cortez, what's up?”

 

“Shepard, are you going to be home for a bit?”

 

The other man had a curious look on his face. “Yeah, I don't have to report in for a couple hours, why?”

 

“I wanted to swing by for a bit to talk, if that works for you.”

 

Shepard now looked suspicious. “Can you at least tell me what this is about?”

 

“I want to tell you in person.” Steve tried to not crack a smile at Shepards ever changing facial expressions.

 

Shepard finally accepted defeat. “Alright.”

 

“Thanks, Shepard. See you soon.”

 

Steve closed the connection, and began making his way to Shepard's apartment. He wanted to trust Joker when he said he would try contacting Shepard again, but something in his body language made him not believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this took longer than I expected. I'll try to be a bit more diligent with updates, as long as the creative juices keep up. :)


	4. Hope

Joker sat on the medical table, idly thinking to himself as he dangled his legs over the side, moving them subconsciously. He shifted slightly and shivered, cursing as he was suddenly reminded this his bare ass was on cold, unforgiving metal. _Why_ _in_ _the hell do I have to wear this stupid gown anyways? Where the hell is Chakwas!?!_ He felt so exposed in these gowns, and hated them with impunity. He only wore it because he knew that Chakwas would chide him if he wasn't in it when she came in – whenever the hell that was going to be.

 

His thoughts drifted back to earlier that morning, and his conversation with Cortez over breakfast. He'd told the other man that he'd talk to Shepard, that he'd try to work things out. He didn't enjoy lying to his friends, but he didn't want to tell Cortez that he had no intention on going through with that plan. He'd already decided that it wasn't worth it, Shepard and him would be better off going their separate ways. Besides, he really needed to concentrate on getting the new commission. Well, at least that was what he was telling himself. He had to admit that he did miss Shepard at least a little bit.

 

As Joker was mulling the implications of that, there was a knock on the door and it opened slightly. _Thank god, she's finally here so I can get this over with._ A head poked in through the opening a Joker realized to his _slight_ dismay that it wasn't Chakwas. The person looking at him was much too young and a bit too male. He realized it must be one of her aides, coming to check on him and give him an update.

 

“Hi! My name's David. Mind if I come in?

 

Joker suddenly felt even more exposed and couldn't stop from feeling self conscious. He typically dealt only with Chakwas, and he was accustomed to that. He must have been slow to respond as the aide inquired again.

 

“Is it okay if I come in, Mr. Moreau?”

 

Joker forced himself to snap out of his _minor_ panic and respond, forcing a smile as he did. “Sure, David, come on in. Please call me Jeff, I'm not that old.”

The aide chuckled at that as he opened the door further and came into the room, closing the door behind him. He stopped a few steps in front of Joker, consulting with a pad in his hand that must have had Joker's medical information on it. After a minute, he looked up.

 

“I apologize, but Dr. Chakwas is behind schedule and she instructed me to do some the prescreening for your checkup.”

 

“Okay.” Joker replied as he got a good look at David. He had to admit, the man was quite attractive, with short brown hair and matching eyes. His scrubs fit fairly tight, likely due to his muscular frame. Joker was impressed. While he did what he could to stay in shape he had limitations, especially in the lower half of his body. He was jealous of those that could do more.

 

David wheeled a stool next to the table, sitting down and starting to run through the standard battery of tests that Joker was used to, asking him questions where necessary. Joker began to feel at ease, and wondered why he was so nervous in the beginning.

 

“Jeff, can you hold out your arm? I just need to check your heart rate and we'll be done.”

 

Joker held his right arm out and David took it, checking his heart rate. David hands were warm, and they felt good, especially since Joker was still sitting on that accursed cold metal. As David continued, Joker suddenly realized he was reacting to that warmth in a way he hadn't expected. Blood began flowing to his cock, and he was powerless to stop it. _What the hell is going on?_ He began to panic, sweat forming at his brow. He glanced down and saw that the gown was starting to tent, and had to use all of his will to keep from completely freaking out. He didn't understand this at all, and was completely embarrassed, his cheeks beginning to color a deep red.

 

As David finished Joker was standing completely at attention, and gown hid nothing. Joker looked away, anywhere but at David, unable to look the other man in the eye given his situation. He pretended that the medical fact charts that were being displayed on the monitor on the wall were the most interesting thing in the world as he tried to will his cock to go down. It was a losing battle.

 

He had to force himself to look back at David as the other man vied for his attention. “We're all done here, Jeff.” If he noticed Joker's problem he didn't show it, and Joker let himself believe that.

 

David stood up and turned, heading for the door as he made some final notes on his pad. He turned back just as he reached the door. “I've made the appropriate notes and the doctor should be in to see you soon.” Joker started feeling relief as David apparently hadn't noticed his raging hardon, on display for anyone who looked. Just as that thought completed David glanced down, ever so briefly, at Joker's crotch before turning away. He opened the door and just before he disappeared from view Joker could swear a smirk had appeared on his face as the door closed once again.

 

Joker wanted to die right there. No, he wanted to throw off the gown, put on his clothes and run out of the building as fast as his legs could take him. Sure, it wasn't that fast but it would be fast enough. He'd never felt so embarrassed in his whole life, and couldn't figure out why the hell he'd gotten the hardon. He quickly decided that he didn't want to stay but he needed to get his cock to go down first.

 

Surprisingly, it took him several minutes to finally get it to go down and by the time he managed it, there was another knock at the door. A feeling of dread came over him. _If that is David again, I am running out of this room_ _and out of this clinic_ _– FUCK my clothes._ He was relieved as Chakwas walked into the room, grinning at she looked at him.

 

“Wow, Jeff. First I get a visit from you unannounced and on top of that you look relieved so see me. Usually I have to drag you in here. I'm sorry I was late, but I hear David took good care of you.”

 

Joker felt the flush in his cheeks again and stared daggers at Chakwas, who to her credit looked completely innocent. He decided that David probably hadn't mentioned anything to her, since there was no way she would have let that one go. Sure, she was professional but they had a different relationship since he had to visit her so often.

 

Joker was in no mood to banter with her – he just wanted to get this over with. “Karin, can we just get through this? I have a lot of my plate today.”

 

“Fine Jeff, have it your way. Now lets start with you standing up and taking the gown off.”

 

Joker cursed at himself as the flush in his cheeks deepened.

 

X - X - X

 

To her credit, Karin did finish with him as fast as she could. She was curious as to his visit since it was so untimely and had peppered him with questions to which he'd finally relented, telling her what had happened in the simulator. She'd remarked that while he was physically fine she suggested that seeing a shrink may be in order. He'd scoffed at the idea as he was getting dressed and that was the end of that conversation.

 

As he was walking along the street, thinking about everything that had happened at the clinic he considered that maybe she was right. Even if she was, he didn't have time for that crap now. He had higher priorities. A shrink and Joker didn't get along very well anyways.

 

As he got closer to the building with the simulator his stomach growled at him, reminding him that he hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was already early afternoon. He stopped at a nearby cafe and ordered himself a water and a sandwich, his mind wandering as he watched the people walk by his sidewalk table. He'd chosen to sit outside because he thought it would be better than being jammed in the tight interior dining area.

 

As his mind continued to drift he caught something out of the corner of his eye and turned to look. Sure enough, David was walking by right where he was sitting. Joker immediately turned away and pretended not to notice him, hoping beyond hope that David hadn't seen him. After several seconds he chanced to look back and saw that David had passed and was continuing down the street. Joker breathed a sigh of relief.

 

Davids appearance forced Jokers thoughts back to the incident in the clinic, and he was still confused by his reaction. Sure, Joker found both men and women to be attractive, he'd been that way for as long as he could remember. But that was the first time he'd had such a strong reaction to someone touching him – he couldn't understand why. His body had reacted like he was a teenager, and his lack of control had embarrassed him more than the reaction itself.

 

He jacked off on a regular basis like any guy, but had to admit that it had been a long time since he'd had sex, so long he could barely remember. He didn't have many sexual exploits as his condition and attitude could be extremely counterproductive to that end, but maybe his body was trying to tell him that he needed it.

 

But if his body wanted the company of another man that would be more challenging. He'd only bed women so far in his life – his only sexual experience with males was a few exchanges of handjobs with one of his classmates in high school. Satisfying? Sure. But his experience with men was extremely lacking and he didn't know if he wanted to go down that road at all.

 

All of the thoughts running through his head was making him hard again and he was reaching to grab himself just as the waitress arrived with his food. He quickly moved his hand back up to the table, hoping she hadn't noticed. _Get a fucking hold of yourself, Jeff!_

 

Joker suppressed his hormones as best he could and willed his cock to go back down as he began eating, deciding that he'd deal with that problem later. He grinned at himself, imagining how much fun it would be before having to distract himself again as blood had starting running south once more. He quickly finished his food and paid the waitress, leaving a sizable tip – just in case.

 

He made his way into the simulator, nodding at several people as he went in that had seen his breakdown just days earlier. The surprised look on their faces made him smile. He was confident that he could breeze through the simulation and finally get the commission he wanted.

 

He couldn't have been more wrong.

 

Several hours later he'd used up nearly every curse word he knew and was so mad that anyone nearby had retreated to a safe distance or had left the area entirely. Thankfully for others he was doing these trials by himself right now. “GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT FAILURE REALLY MEANS!” He kicked one of the panels several times for emphasis as the last words came out of his mouth, putting a sizable dent in it. As he set his leg back down, searing pain greeted him and he briefly regretted what he'd done, but quickly decided otherwise.

 

His concentration had faltered as he began the first test run and he'd never recovered. In fact, it only worsened, especially as his anger had crept in. The incident from the last time he was in the simulator, the situation with Shepard, hell the crap at the clinic all served as distractions that caused him to not even get as far as his first attempt days ago, and he'd just gotten blown up for the fourteenth time. The lapse was so unlike him – his concentration usually was rock solid.

 

Just as he prepared himself to kick the panel a few more times, he heard a throat clear behind him. Turning, he was surprised to be greeted by the muscled hulk that was James Vega. Joker had no idea how long he'd been standing there.

 

“Something I can help you with, Joker?” He grinned as he said that, obviously amused by Joker's actions.

 

“Vega? What the hell are you doing here? I know this building isn't your base of operations.”

 

The grin stayed in place. “I was visiting a friend when I overheard a few people talking about a commotion upstairs. When I heard where it was and who was doing it, I had to check it out.”

 

Joker cooled off a bit – James and him got along well, especially since both of them had saved Shepard's skin a good number of times. “I'm having a few technical difficulties with the simulator that I'm working out.”

 

“I don't think your methods will accomplish that goal.” James said as he glanced at the dented panel. “Why don't we step out into the hallway to chat for a bit – and for you to cool off.” James then walked out of the simulator into the hallway beyond.

 

“I've cooled off, dammit.” Joker protested as he followed the other man out.

 

“Sure you have.” James was leaning against the wall and that damnable grin stayed persistent – Joker felt like punching it off of his face, but he knew the swing would never connect. James made eye contact and Joker saw a flash of concern there. The bigger man was just trying to help. “What's going on, _hombre_?”

 

“As I said, I'm just having a few technical difficulties with the simulator that I'm working out.”

 

James laughed out loud, which caused Joker to bristle briefly – just a bit – but even in his current state that laugh was infectious. He felt his anger beginning to fade. “Fine, fine. You got me. I'm having difficulties. The simulator is fine – well minus that panel.”

 

James' gaze bore into Joker as he tried to determine the truthfulness of that statement and Joker couldn't help but squirm like he did earlier with Steve. He hated reacting that way but he never liked being intensely scrutinized by others. Vega finally nodded and broke out into a smile, and Joker had to smile back. “Yeah, you're good, but I think we need to get a drink just to be sure.” He quickly pushed off the wall and grabbed Joker's arm, dragging the smaller man away from the simulator.

 

Joker scowled and tried to fight back, which was proving to be futile and James was considerably stronger than him. The sharp pain in his leg wasn't helping either. “James, I don't have time for this – I have my first trial run with the team tomorrow morning and I need to prepare. Plus my leg hurts like hell.”

 

James stopped and turned back, his face softening and mouth frowning slightly – no it was more of a pout. “You're in no condition to face that right now and you know it. Plus, don't you want to have a drink with your old friend James?” He paused, then quickly added “The leg thing is totally your fault anyways. I wouldn't have problem carrying you to the bar if that is necessary.”

 

Joker was doomed. _I fucking HATE how much of a teddy bear this guy can be, especially since he is such a badass on the battlefield._ _But if he even tries to pick me up…_ “Jesus, I'll go! Just stop with the damn pouty face! Though if you even try carry me I'll throw a fit the likes you have never seen.”

 

James beamed. “Its settled then! Let's go!” Joker was pulled away from the simulator once again and James wouldn't let go until Joker assured him that he wouldn't try to run away.

 

It didn't matter as the more Joker thought about it, the better a drink sounded to him.

 

X - X - X

 

 _How in the hell did I get here?_ Joker thought to himself as he sat at the table in what his drunken mind recognized to be a club. He remembered going to the first bar, most of the second, and he thought there was a third but wasn't quite sure. He certainly didn't remember going into the club. _Am I here alone?_

 

He turned his head to look around and as soon as his eyes hit the dance floor recognition struck him. There was James Vega, strutting his stuff on the dance floor. Joker raised his eyebrows in surprise as he noted how _well_ the man danced. For someone of his size, he could really move.

 

James caught his eye and motioned Joker to the dance floor, to which Joker just shook his head. He was met with a mopy look from James and he hoped that was the end of it. To his horror, James began dancing his way over to the table. _No fucking way in hell is he getting me out there._

 

As James reached the table he looked down at Joker, not stopping his motions to the thumping beat. “Hey buddy,” James slurred, “come dance with me!”

 

Joker looked around James at the dance floor, where several people were trying to get James' attention, to get him back. “Looks like you have plenty of dance partners to me. Plus, you know a cripple can't dance.” Plus his leg still hurt, but the alcohol was doing a great job at numbing the pain. As he looked back at James he noticed his gyrating hips – they were hypnotizing. He caught himself moving his head in time with them before moving his gaze upwards to the look he knew James would be wearing. _Shit, he's pouting again. Steel yourself, Joker. All you'll do is embarrass yourself._

 

James grinned, the winning one that Joker knew made either sex fall all over themselves. His voice took on a sultry tone. “Aww...come on, Joker! I promise you'll have a good time.”

 

Joker tore his gaze away and shifted uncomfortably in his seat, adjusting his hat for good measure. He'd seen James like this before – but only with others. He wasn't prepared to be the target. He couldn't deny that James was attractive – hell the man oozed sex appeal. The offer was genuine and Joker knew James was being friendly, but he just didn't understand why James was acting this way towards him. It was like he was doing his best to put him at ease in the best way he knew how – _oh fuck._

 

Joker's gaze snapped back up, his eyes narrowing. “Who put you up to this?”

 

James stopped dancing – his mouth agape as shock flashed briefly over his face. He ran his hand over his mohawk nervously as he tried to recover, but in his typical way fumbled epically. “Wha...what are you talking about? I just heard about the commotion and thought that I...”

 

Joker's temper flared. “No bullshit James. WHO!?!” He was on edge and was trying to keep himself in check.

 

James opened his mouth to respond, then closed it again to reconsider. He could feel Joker staring at him so he sat down, lowering his head to look at his hands, his shoulders slumped in defeat. “I told him that this might happen. I'm not the most brilliant guy out there and you're not an idiot.”

 

“I haven't heard a name yet.”

 

“Esteban.”

 

Joker threw his hands up in frustration, leaning his head back and looking at the ceiling as he did. “ _DAMMIT!_ ” After a few seconds he put his hands back on the table and lowered his head, looking once again at James. “Fucking Cortez. He just can't leave well enough alone, can he?”

 

James looked up, confusion on his face. “Huh? What are you talking about?”

 

“Nevermind. I think I need to turn in for the night.” Joker got up and tried to head for the door. James grabbed his arm and stopped him.

 

“I'm sorry, Joker. I just wanted you to have a good time. Esteban is concerned about how you've been acting lately – hell we all are. You haven't been yourself.”

 

“Bunch of damn mother hens. I don't need all of you being concerned over me. I'm fine.”

 

“Sure you are. Just remember that we're your friends and that we're here. You're not alone.”

 

“Thanks, James.”

 

James removed his hand and Joker walked to the door. He made it a few steps outside and paused to get his bearings, but just before he started to move again he felt a large arm wrap around his shoulders. “I thought that you'd close that place down, James.”

 

“Nah, I think I'm done too. Probably had a bit too much to drink. Besides, who else is going to walk you home and protect you from all of the evil doers that roam the night?”

 

Joker rolled his eyes, but didn't respond. He just started in the direction of home, his impromptu bodyguard at his side.

 

X - X - X

 

“Thanks, Vega. I knew that I could count on you. Just see that he doesn't get himself into any trouble.” Cortez ended the call and deactivated his omni-tool just as he arrived at Shepard's door. As he reached up to knock the door opened and he nearly stumbled inside, catching himself just in time.

 

Shepard chuckled at his stumble. “Sorry about that, Cortez. I heard you coming.”

 

“Yeah, I noticed. Can I come in?”

 

“Sure!” Shepard stepped out of the way and gestured for him to come inside, closing the door behind him. “I don't have as long as I thought, I got called in early. What can I do for you?”

 

Cortez smiled. “Direct as always, Shepard. I've always liked that about you. I've come to talk to you about Joker.”

 

Shepard scowled. “ _Fuck_ , its been all about him lately. With all of the drama between us you'd think we're a couple...” quickly adding “...but we're not.” He was pacing back and forth and his face changed as realization hit him. “Why are you bringing this up anyways?” His eyes widened. “You talked with him, didn't you. Dammit, how many others know about this? You know I don't like my business out there for everyone to see.”

 

“I've enlisted some help from Vega, but no one else – and I did talk to Joker. That's why I'm here now. This rift between you two is doing a number on him, Cole. Do you know that he's attempting to get another starship commission?”

 

Shepard stopped pacing at the mention of his first name and looked at Cortez. “We haven't exactly been talking, so no, I didn't. Look, I've tried my damnedest to reconcile– _hell_ –to even get through to him and it hasn't worked. He seems to be set in his direction and there seems to be no point in trying. I'm moving on. I don't have time for friends that don't want to be.”

 

“I understand that, but he really isn't doing well. There's a chance that he may not even get the commission with how things are going.”

 

Shepard was surprised. “What? That crazy. Joker is the best pilot the Alliance has. If he wants to be in space again he should be there. With all of the losses we've sustained they probably need him too.”

 

“If he was at the top of his game like he was on the Normandy we wouldn't be having this conversation. But he's distracted, lost and isn't himself. You two were so close on the Normandy – a lot of us, including me, were sort of jealous of it. I know you've been distracted too, I surmise at least partially due to Joker. I believe you two need that friendship, that bond. You've grown accustomed to it and suffer without it.”

 

Shepard hated to admit it, but Cortez was right. He missed Joker, he miss the bond they had. He had been closer to him than he'd been to anyone else in his life. He sighed. “I've been thinking a lot about this over the past couple days and you're right. I'm still mad but I care too much to have this potentially screw up his career. I assume you know at least part of his schedule?”

 

Cortez blushed. “You make me sound like a stalker, but yeah he'll be in the simulator prepping for his test tomorrow morning. I know he has to get it completed in the next day or so or the Admiral will put him back on his previous assignment.”

 

Shepard nodded. “Got it. I'll make the time to go see him before he gets into the simulator.”

 

“Thanks, Shepard, thats all I ask.”

 

Shepard checked his omni-tool and realized he needed to leave. “Sorry, Cortez, but I have to get going.”

 

“Sure thing.” Cortez turned back to the door and opened it to let himself out, with Shepard following.

 

Shepard locked the door and turned toward the other man to say goodbye. “Steve, thanks. Really, I mean it. But, could you try to be less of a busy body?” chuckling as finished.

 

Cortez briefly laughed. “I'll try, but can't promise anything. Take care, Shepard.”

 

“You too.”

 

As Shepard made his way to the training facility, he put a plan together in his head on what he was going to do tomorrow morning, and knew it would take a few calls to pull it off.

 

X - X - X

 

Joker walked into the simulator, trying his best not to appear as nervous as he felt to the people he passed on the way to his seat. He wasn't optimistic regarding his chances during the dry run today, likely due to his piss poor performances during his practice the day before, the pain in his leg from taking out his frustration from said poor performances, and the hangover he was sporting due to spending last night hanging out with James. _Fuck, Joker. You set yourself up to succeed here!_

 

He made his way to the pilot seat and sat down, bringing the console to life and starting his routine system checks, even though he knew they were only simulated ones.

 

“You look like shit.”

 

“You always display such tact, Sanders,” Joker dryly replied, “no wonder so many men want to date you.”

 

An audible scoff came from beside him. “I go on plenty of dates! Still, my comment stands.”

 

Joker noticed a slight variance with one of the engines and flagged it for further investigation. “Yeah, yeah. I admit that last night may have been a bit rough.”

 

“A slight understatement.”

 

Joker smiled and continued with his system checks, his nervousness beginning to dissipate. After about fifteen minutes, he was nearly done and he chanced to look around, noting that the Commander hadn't arrived. He found it odd because it wasn't like him to not be punctual. “Sanders, have you seen the Commander? I'm nearly ready here.”

 

“Come to think of it, I haven't. Try the comms, as I'm good to go here too.”

 

Joker brought up the comms panel and activated the onboard paging system. “Commander to the cockpit. Commander to the cockpit.”

 

Minutes went by and Joker was beginning to get frustrated. _Where in the hell is he?_ He reached for the paging button again but just as he was about to press it he heard a voice from behind him.

 

“Commander reporting as ordered...sir.” Barely contained laughter accompanied.

 

As he registered the source of the voice, Joker froze in place for several seconds before turning his chair to face the person. _HOLY SHIT._

 

“You look surprised to see me, Lieutenant. Were you expecting someone else?”

 

Joker couldn't hide his shock. “Shepard? What in the hell are you doing here?”

 

“Now, now Lieutenant. That's not how you converse with a superior officer.” But Shepard's broad smile gave him away.

 

Joker narrowed his eyes, recovering quickly. “I'm sorry– _sir_ –but you're not my normal CO for this mission. I am inquiring as to why you have this assignment.” He was also trying to kill the other man just by looking at him, but it wasn't working.

 

Shepard, for his part, didn't crack at Jokers obvious irritation. “New orders this morning. Now, have you completed your checks?”

 

Sanders, who had only been observing to this point, was bursting at the seams and couldn't take it anymore. “Yes, sir. We're good to go and I would like to say sir that it is such an honor to finally meet you. The hero of the Alliance, in this simulator! Just wait until I tell my friends...” She was talking so fast that the two men looked at her quizzically, barely comprehending what was coming out of her mouth.

 

After some more babbling, Joker had enough, irritated with her and especially the unannounced appearance of Shepard. “Sanders, shut your fangirl trap so we can get to work.”

 

Now it was Sanders turn to try killing with a look. She opened her mouth to retort but Shepard interrupted, wanting to diffuse the situation. “I appreciate you enthusiasm, Lieutenant, but I think we need to focus on the test at hand.”

 

Joker was surprised yet again. “TEST!?! I thought this was just a dry run! I'm... _we're_ not ready yet!”

 

“We're skipping the dry run and moving directly to the test.”

 

“Shepard, I really would like to go through at least one dry run.” Joker felt his nervousness returning, stronger than ever.

 

Sensing it Shepard leaned in, closer to Joker, whispering to him so Sanders couldn't hear. “Jeff, I know you can do this. You're ready – you've always been ready. You're the best damn pilot in the fleet and this is nothing for you. I'm here to support you and to make sure you get through this. Look, we've both been stupid and stubborn, mistakes made on both sides. But we've been through so much and if you want to talk later, I'm open to it.”

 

Shepard leaned back and brought his voice back to normal levels, looking between Joker and Sanders. “If you're both ready, let's prepare to depart and head for the Mass Relay.”

 

“Yes sir!” both Lieutenants replied in unison.

 

“Joker, activate the shipwide broadcast.”

 

Joker pressed the appropriate button and nodded to Shepard.

 

“All hands, this is Commander Shepard. We will be departing the station shortly for the Mass Relay, our final destination the Hades Gamma cluster. Further orders will be provided once we have completed the relay jump. Shepard out.”

 

Joker closed the connection and turned his head, trying to maintain a serious look on his face. “Very good, sir.”

 

Shepard couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes. “Knock it off. Take us out, Lieutenant.”

 

“Got it, sir.”

 

Shepard was unsure as to which statement Joker had replied as the pilot released the docking clamps and maneuvered the ship away from the station. He decided to assume he meant it for both. _I forgot how much of a handful he can be._

 

He watched as Joker effortlessly guided the ship toward the Mass Relay, idly chatting to Sanders as he did so. _I also forgot how much I've missed this._

 

Shepard relished in the few moments he had before the simulation truly began. It felt good to be in command of a ship again, even though it was a simulation.

 

Joker felt more relaxed than he had in quite some time and even had a twinge of hope that he'd get through this after all.

 

X - X - X

 

Shepard was on his way home, reflecting on the events of the day. He was exhausted, ready for a hot shower and passing out in his bed shortly thereafter. Just as his car parked, his omni-tool beeped at him, indicating an incoming call. He motioned to answer it, Jokers face appearing.

 

He looked uncomfortable, and spoke tentatively at first. “Hey Shepard. I know I'm not good at this stuff, but I wanted to thank you for what you did. Once the test started everything just clicked and it helped knowing that you were there.”

 

Shepard smiled warmly at Jokers image before replying. “You're welcome. I told you that you could do it. That sim is a cake walk for someone of your skill.” He couldn't help but tease Joker just a bit. “But I could have done with a few less debris and weapons impacts.”

 

Joker didn't take the bait. “Not my fault. They were attracted to the hull, and that's the story I'm sticking with. Besides, you saw that _amazing_ maneuver I pulled to evade the Reaper. It was practically legendary!”

 

Shepard chuckled. “Yeah, right. I also remember the inertial dampeners having difficulty with that maneuver as well. Was it just me or did Lieutenant Sanders turn a slight shade of green after?”

 

Joker laughed, finally managing after a few seconds to mutter “Yeah, she definitely did.”

 

The two shared an awkward moment of silence before Joker piped up. “Anyways, thanks again...you take it easy, okay?.”

 

“You too, Jeff.”

 

Shepard moved to close the connection, but was interrupted before he could.

 

“Cole?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I'll take you up on that offer to talk. Maybe tomorrow? But not so soap opera like – as I hate drama. I'll bring the beer.”

 

“Works for me.”

 

“Night.”

 

“Night.”

 

As he closed the connection, Shepard felt relief. He hadn't realized how much Joker had been stressing him. It would be nice to have him back in his life. _Don't get ahead of yourself, Cole._ Despite that thought he was confident they could find a way to move past this crap.

 

Lying in his bed in another part of the city, Joker felt the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the massive delay on this one. But, I have some ideas on where to go from here and will be starting Chapter 5 shortly. Thanks for reading, and I welcome kudos and comments!


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